By Robert Booz

Damn, that was one fine heifer!

It wasn’t that we didn’t have cattle where I grew up, we did. In fact, everywhere I’ve lived my life, in the Midwest and New England, has been dotted with cattle. Perhaps, in passing, I had a hot flash or two, but nothing like the unadulterated cow-stalking infatuation of my years in Vermont.

1. John Belushi “College” poster — reiterates fact that owner a) is at college and b) knows how to party like 1978.
2. Bob Marley poster — shows that you are down for “ hanging out” and “ chilling.”
3. Bob Dylan, (in B&W obviously) — college raises many existential questions for you. What does it mean to be “ like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone?”

By Nicole Vincent-Roller

This section is dedicated to informing our readership of their rights as students and citizens of the USA. Rights: If you do not know them, then they are not really yours!

You”ve been stopped by one of our friendly campus or state police officers — it doesn’t matter which, or where, as both have equal jurisdiction on public highways (including campus roads).

By Nate Bradbury

This May will mark the 53rd year since the United States Supreme Court banned legal racial segregation in schools. The court’s ruling established that segregation is “ separate and unequal.”

We all need cultural awareness training from time to time, right?

By Max Bookman

“We did an extremely vast array of tests.”

– Anna Nicole Smith’s medical examiner on the DNA samples taken from her body, as three people claim to be the father of her 5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn. The late ex-Playboy model’s body is being refrigerated until a variety of legal disputes can be resolved, including who has the right to bury her, and who will inherit her multi-million-dollar estate.

By Elias Altman

During the winter of 1887, Vincent Van Gogh, the original mad-genius bohemian, convinced fellow avant-garde painter Paul Gauguin, the brilliant colorist who traded Paris for Polynesia, to co-found an artists’ colony in southern France.

Two snow days in a row for the Valentine’s Day Blizzard of ‘07! Here’s what you should have done:

1. Experiencing dismay of phantom cellular ringtonesringtones and false vibratory tremors
2. Realizing Wikipedia, unfortunately, cannot be cited in academic papers
3. Saved By The Bell: The College Years did not adequately prepare us for what lay ahead

By Julie Bilodeau

Are you experiencing sexual anxiety? Let’s put an end to that. With the use of any of the following aphrodesiacs you can ensure a night of sexual relations for you and your dinner guest. All of these foods are so potent that your guest is unlikely to know what has hit them — unless they’ve read this article — and even then, they won’t be able to keep their britches on.

By Jen Nolan

Aries… This week all the stars in the sky will line up to form an arrow that points directly to you. Take this as a sign to try and achieve all your life’s goals by tomorrow morning. This task should come easily to you, the fast-acting Aries; don’t let the world down.

Created by Mike Polansky as John Q. Teabag

Students of UVM, you know me simply because you have seen me around. You have seen me on the bus, witing patiently for my stop, bobbing my head to Sheryl Crow’s Every Day is a Winding Road through my headphones on my “Mess Shit Up” playlist. Christ, I love that song.