Horoscopes: February 20-26, 2007

Published February 20, 2007

By Jen Nolan

Aries… This week all the stars in the sky will line up to form an arrow that points directly to you. Take this as a sign to try and achieve all your life’s goals by tomorrow morning. This task should come easily to you, the fast-acting Aries; don’t let the world down.

Taurus… Make sure you count the rings visible on Saturn to guide your numerous upcoming choices. Open your eyes not only to Saturn’s guidance, but to the direction the blades of grass point you in to lead you to the right gas station.

Gemini… The stars are very hot right now, so this is a great opportunity to dive into some equally hot water. If your palms get sweaty, heart starts racing, and there’s blue lights flashing behind you, you’re going in the right direction.

Cancer… Spend some quality time bonding with your sea monkeys before slaving over the usual homework. When driving, take the time to really belt out that high note with your eyes closed instead of watching the road. The stars will be pleased and radiate their good luck to you in future endeavors.

Leo… The Leo sunbeams will soon be arranged in the shape of an astronaut, which symbolizes the importance of exploration this week. Explore that mysterious blue glob in your yogurt, contact that sexy firefighter you met last week, and find out if you really do get expelled if you climb the water tower. Reach far beyond your means this week.

Virgo… Your womb of worldly comfort will be jeopardized, but take this as an opportunity to see the space around you as a sacred being, and embrace the forces which make your world complete. Follow the lead of an exchange student: change how your surroundings feel to you.

Libra… Pluto is still pretty vexed about being denounced as a planet, and he’s taking it out on you. The toxic rays coming off of Pluto will be thrown in your direction, and will interfere with your normal brain processes. Don’t take any tests or make any big decisions this week. Stay strong; it wasn’t you who kicked him out of the system.

Scorpio… The space around you is becoming blurry; it may be due to your fading prescription, or the expanding of the spatial dust surrounding your being. Hit up your optometrist and don’t make any right turns on your way there. Or if it’s indeed the spatial dust, spin in circles until the wind from your arms swooshes the negatively charged dust away.

Sagittarius… Word is the moons have started taking a sumo wrestling class. There’s a lot of movement up there, and all this running around will be affecting the gravity around you. You shall feel off-balance for a few days; see if Fletcher Allen rents crutches, and definitely purchase a helmet.

Capricorn… Your destiny may be permanently altered this week. A test of character is coming your way, straight from one of the moons, specifically the most powerful controller of karmic retribution. Your decision during this test shall affect the opportunities that come your way during the following fortnight.

Aquarius… The stars will arrange themselves in the shape of an eyeball pointing right at you. When you see this eyeball in the sky, beware of your actions; you’re being watched. A nearby friend is keeping an eye on you; your recent fashion choices have a close friend worried about you. Try to ease their mind by making a few normal decisions for once.

Pisces… You shall encounter 3.2 obstacles this week; with the first, give yourself time to think over your options, then let your senses guide you toward the choice that requires the least amount of work. The second obstacle is insignificant. The third will be an event that you have been waiting for… be patient, it just took longer than expected to paw through the carbon emissions in the sky. The .2 obstacle will be somewhat of a shock; approach it with a sense of humor.

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