Surfing The Stars with Jen Nolan: February 27 - March 5, 2007

Published February 27, 2007

By Jen Nolan

Aries… Although usually you enjoy running that loud mouth of yours, soon you;ll be drawn to the soft-spoken words swirling around your eardrums from an unlikely friend. Your relationship with this human whisperer will continue with ninja-like grace and speed from this point forward.

Taurus… Your expectations for an upcoming event are higher than the majestic outer limits of the Milky Way. Consider yourself warned; expectations that are this epic are rarely met. Only two herbal healers can save your disgruntled soul; find Ben and Jerry and engage in Cherry Garcia therapy immediately.

Gemini… A seemingly inconsequential satellite will be disrupting the orbit of the moons; this interference will alter your nerve endings, causing taste-bud turmoil. Take this opportunity to gamble with those expiration dates.

Cancer… You’ll be receiving sexy-time vibes from the cosmos, but beware; steer clear of tall heels and manly hair-gel — Earth’s gravity will be multiplied by the shifting moons and rapid evaporation of massive amounts of snow.

Leo… A slow trickle of change will be seeping into your aura; let its quiet vibrations re-awaken your appreciation for 80’s music. Open yourself up to the melodious flows of Journey and Duran-Duran. Let them improve your life by 129%.

Virgo… Earth is your element, and others will soon be noticing this strong affinity. Your grounded philosophy will soon be shining through in your subtle seduction of a laid-back, grilled cheese-loving kind of person.

Libra… Your horoscope is missing from the print edition this week. This cannot be a good sign for you.

Scorpio… The accuracy of your intuition will be rising to its absolute pinnacle this week. Use and abuse this newfound power; start by reading the tantalizing stares coming at you from the newly-dreadlocked individual in the 3rd row of your introductory Botany course.

Sagittarius… Your horoscope is absent this week, too… I see a pattern in the cosmos.

Capricorn… Although patience is a virtue, this week it will be as necessary as a flashlight under a full moon. Instead, carpe diem; make the most of every second — ask those burning awful questions: what do the symptoms of syphilis look like?

Aquarius… This week you’ll be strongly inclined to let Mercury guide your every move, but resist this strong temptation — Mercury’s been deemed passive-aggressive by its therapist, and it’s working harder than moon rocks to overcome this diagnosis.

Pisces… Now is the ideal time to act on that New Year’s resolution; it’s been proven in 17 different studies that people who begin in January are 64% more likely to fail at their resolution. If you start now, the increasing brightness of sun’s rays will help ward off approaching failure.

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