CONTEST! We supply the caption, you supply the cartoon! Submissions should be put in the Water Tower SGA mailbox in the basement of Cook Commons or emailed to thewatertowernews@gmail.com. The winning cartoon will be printed the following week and it will earn you enduring fame and respect.
By Hazel Ryerson
I’m standing in a line with hundreds strangers as we all remove our belts, shoes, jackets and jewelry – no, it’s not the start of a bank heist or pornographic movie – I am at terminal C of Logan Airport.
As I place my personals in a plastic bin, I secretly pray for the safe deliverance of my contact solution through the security checkpoint.
“Ma’am, is this your bag? I need to look inside.” My heart sinks when I see my green duffle in the fleshy hands of a female security guard. She easily discovers my mascara and toothpaste packed in a porous cosmetics bag. Damn.
By Lauren McGonagle-Akin
I quit smoking. My mother has gone giddy with glee at least five times, at this point. She gives me pats on the back. I generally smell differently, too – more like the shower for longer, I suppose. I feel more and more acquainted with a different sort of breath every day. But the truth is I look back on my smoking days with significant amounts of affection and nostalgia. This is unlikely to change.
Tues March 20th
Some flurries. Nice day to work in library. See cute girl — too stricken with fear to talk. She’s reading
Faulkner. Google and Wikipedia “Faulkner.”
Wed March 21st
Mostly Sunny. Good day to walk but for some reason take the Redstone Express. She’s on the bus. It’s fate, it’s fate! She looked at me and I find out her name.
About Ira Allen…
What’s the deal with the Ira Allen chapel?
I mean, he was an atheist and they built a chapel in honor of him.
What’s next, erecting a gold-plated tank to commemorate the teachings of Gandhi?
Maybe the board of trustees thought it was a way to have the students learn the definition of irony in a “hands on” way.
By Max C. Bookman
“Hollywood declares war on Iranians”
-Headline of a popular Iranian newspaper. Iranian officials are outraged with the recent blockbuster, “300,” claiming that the portrayal of the historical Persian defeat is part of a broader strategy to turn the American public against Iran. Sequel to 300: Iran Blows.
(as tested by The Water Tower staff and significant others).
It is recommended that you also do the proper things leading up to the song: shower, make sensitive small talk, pay for dessert.
- Devendra Banhart - Tick Eats the Olive
- Citizen Cope - Holdin’ On (
coming live to Higher Ground on April 24th — just be sure to save the “action” for after the concert)
By Nicole Vincent-Roller, Lindsey Reynolds and Kasi Walker
Number of girls on trip: 3
Number of days in the Bahamas: 5
Number of bags packed: 6
Total weight of luggage: 153 lbs.
Average weight of girls: 137 lbs.
Articles of clothing packed: approx. 160
Articles of clothing actually worn: approx. 50
Number of cans of tuna packed: 8
Number of functioning can-openers packed: 0
Number of injuries incurred while attempting to open tuna cans with Swiss Army knife: 1
Number of Band-aids packed: 0
Number of local dishes eaten: 2
Number of eyes that came with local dishes: 8
Hours spent on the beach: approx. 15
Total amount of sunscreen …
By Seth Corthell and Hazel Ryerson
Spring Break, it’s a time for every college student to pause the monotonous routine of school and travel to enjoy new and exciting cultures both at home and abroad. The Water Tower interviewed students at both ends of the karmic spectrum, bringing you a whiff of the spring break you can only dream of recreating for yourself next year.
By Seth Corthell and Hazel Ryerson
Spring Break, it’s a time for every college student to pause the monotonous routine of school and travel to enjoy new and exciting cultures both at home and abroad. The Water Tower interviewed students at both ends of the karmic spectrum, bringing you a whiff of the spring break you can only dream of recreating for yourself next year.
With Love, Emily Watts and Alexis Langer
Who: Working girls Vanessa and Melissa say yes to roller-boogy and retro.
Where: Downtown, Burlington
Cummerbund and Fanny Pack: Are you guys from the area?
Vanessa: Kinda. . . I actually went to high school, 6th grade to sophomore year, in Richmond. VT. But I was born in Charlottesville, VA
M: I’m from Florida. . . and I’ve been here for about two years.
C & F P:How would you describe yourself?
V: I’d say I’m pretty eclectic. I mean, towards the end of high school I was more on the punk end of things. I really had a lot of fun going to these gothy-80s dance parties. Since then, I guess I just incorporate the 80s style. It’s really not something that I’m trying to do-they are just the things I end up liking. Generally speaking, everything of mine is vintage, from thrift stores, or from my mom’s closet.
By Ambrose Bierse, Jr.
Trust Fund: n. An ingenious device used to corrupt a youth without ever having met him.
By Jen Nolan
Aries… One of your strongest stars, the gamma star, represents the fat ram. This week the fat ram will help you resolve a pressing quandary. Your aggressive, domineering demeanor combined with your super-fly dodgeball game will lead you to a significant revelation.
Taurus…You are easily the most determined of all the zodiac signs. While you may think college is the right place for you right now, it’s not. Enroll your determined, naturally heat resistant body in a flaming-throwing class downtown immediately.
By Elias Altman
Music is the most immediate of the arts. Not only in regard to the ease with which we can absorb it, but because it registers the shifts of culture and articulates them faster than literature or painting. In this way, music is the best measure of the spirit of an age.
F. Scott Fitzgerald became “the author of the Jazz Age” long after
Buddy Bolden blared in the gin joints of
New Orleans and the
Dadaist distillation of post-war chaos was already audible in the composer
Igor Stravinsky’s “
The Rite of Spring.”
Therefore music aficionados often debate about what the anthem of this or that time period is. Recently, I have been forced to realize that the song that captures the spirit of this time is neither indie-rock nor hip hop; it does not come from either coast, but rather from Middle America.
Created By Anya Brodrick, Torrey Valyou and Tommy Wheeler
This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates the intersection of image-word-mathematics. Inspired by
Joseph Kosuth.
A Day in the Life of Professor “just call me “Pete” Lenz
7:38 am: Drives 2001 Subaru Outback station wagon from home in Underhill to Burlington. “Your Vote, Your Voice” bumper sticker on back of car is supposed to imply that the principles of democracy are more important than taking a partisan stance on politics, despite the fact that a staunchly anti-conservative mindset is present.
5. The hardworking ladies at the cyber cafe because they just love servicing and satisfying you up with coffee and cookies all night long- when you are needing it the most.
4. The guy at the ali-baba’s falafel stand on university row because you know the thought of free falafels totally turns you on. Extra sauce, sir.
By Hazel Ryerson
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