1. “It’s the bane of my existence.” No, it’s not. Plus, define the word “bane .”

2. “That’s the story of my life.” That’s a pretty sad statement no matter what you are describing.

3. “Oh my god, I love [insert innocuous noun here].” This speaks for itself. Love is a little too strong to use with regard to a halter top.

By Nate Bradbury

Have you started to notice that people we idolize say things that mark them as surprisingly human? This seemed particularly clear to me on my recent trip to New Orleans. For those of you who follow sports, I’m sure you could come up with several examples from just these past two months.

Tim Hardaway, John Amaechi, Tracy McGrady, and Billy Hunter all crossed over from talking about sports to casually dropping personal judgments on a wide variety of things: morality, sexuality, and the state of social and criminal activity in New Orleans.

For me, it is important to remember that these men, while they are talented athletes or businessmen, have no idea what they are talking about. And that’s okay.

By Elias Altman

I am sitting in the waiting room thinking that I have an STD. Or I should say STI. “Sexually Transmitted Infections” is a broader term than “Sexually Transmitted Diseases” – I learned this in my Human Biology class.
There’s a framed hay-field landscape hanging on the wall. It looks like a low-budget reproduction of a poorly-imitated Van Gogh. It’s no better and no worse than the art that adorns all clinics. But didn’t Van Gogh have an STD? I mean an STI. I think he died of syphilis.

By Ambrose Bierse, Jr.

1. Friend (noun) - A person with enough esteem for you that,
when the time comes, he/she will stab you in the front.

2. In a little bit (adjectival colloquial phrase) - Never,
in a long time. As in the nightime, weekend cell phone goodbye
“I’ll see you in a little bit.”
See also: “I’ll call you back” or “Yeah, let’s meet up.”.

1. Blue Steel from Zoolander: pursed lips and sucked-in cheeks.
It never fails in making you look like a cocky bastard or silly
supermodel.

2. Humphrey Bogart alla Casablanca: cigarette defying gravity
by clinging to bottom lip. After photo was taken smoke stings
your eyes and you hope no one notices.

By Max C. Bookman

“YouTube has harnessed technology to willfully infringe copyrights on a huge scale.”

-Viacom’s spokesperson in defense of the media conglomerate’s decision to sue Google, the parent company of YouTube. Viacom is claiming billions of dollars in lost profits from their copyrighted videos that appear on YouTube. The outcome of the lawsuit will be most felt by our generation as it will determine the direction of the free Internet and user-generated websites.

“The British government is demanding the immediate and safe return of our people.”

-A statement from the British Ministry of Defense in regard …

By Max C. Bookman

Do you really know what’s going on over there in Darfur? There’s a lot of information out there and it can all be very confusing, so here’s the most comprehensive guide to Darfur you’ll get.

* Sudan – A Muslim country in northeast Africa, just South of Egypt. Arabs and African ethnic groups live in Sudan. Its modern history has been plagued by two civil wars, the second of which only recently ended.
* Omar al-Bashir – The authoritarian ruler of Sudan who came to power in a military coup years ago.
* Darfur – A poor and rural region of western Sudan with few natural resources.

(Either Through Idiocy or Lack of Effort)

This section highlights academic pursuits of UVM students that never quite materialized. We want to share with you the great papers that never were.

Title: The Collective Conscience: The Words of the Prophet are Written in the Bathroom Stalls

Class: Anthropology 198: The American Socio-Politico-Economic Landscape

Abstract

By Lauren McGonagle-Akin

Anytime my grandparents ask me about college, I usually cite some quirky aspect of my living situation in a Living and Learning suite. My parents, who have already made a couple of trips up here, usually just ask me if I’m still living in filth.

For those unfamiliar with the L/L Center, let me just tell you that it’s wonderful. You apply to student-run programs ranging anywhere from Anime to Zoology and then live with your fellow program members in a suite situation: six bedrooms, two bathrooms and a living room.

1. New Hampshire State Liquor Store: get some tax-free whiskey to warm you up once you reach your final destination.
2. Free coffee at the rest-stops, this is only in Vermont, sadly, the Fair Trade beans have not yet made it to these classy joints.
3. Top notch Shaker museum, exit 17- check out the largest Shaker dwelling ever built.
4. Tour of the Holy Land: Bethel and Lebanon.
5. Practice your French: Montpelier, South Montpelier, North Montpelier, East Montpelier.

One unique perk to off-campus living in the City of Burlington, is the Noise Control Ordinance. This policy helps protect your sleep, all hours of the night and day. Under the Noise Control Ordinance, a friendly officer can come to your door, write up a fine and send you and your homeboys and girls off to bed.

But before you get stuck with a $300-plus fine, there are a few things to know about the policy and how it works for a UVM student.

1. Parties - There are two types of noise violations: parties and otherwise. A party, according to Burlington Law, is defined as two or more people at a residence that is not their own, so yes, if you are in your apartment with two friends, who are not your roommates, you are at a party.

This week’s winner: Will Harrigan-Anderson

“You know, Frank, I really just don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Next Week’s Caption: “I need a new hobby.”

1. The miraculous appearance of six months worth of dog shit.
2. Needing a canoe to get downtown.
3. Collective forgetting that it is actually only March and miniskirts may not be the best call.

Created By Anya Brodrick, Torrey Valyou and Tommy Wheeler
This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates
the intersection of image-word-mathematics. Inspired by Joseph Kosuth.

With Love, Emily Watts and Alexis Langer

Mr. islands Makes the Fashion Cut

Cummerbund and Fanny Pack: So what’s your name?
Mr i- Mr. islands, for reals, that’s what people call me. Make sure it’s with a lower case “i”.

C & FP- How do you like working at the The Bobbin?
Mr. i - Awesome. (chuckles) It’s great. It’s excellent. The best job I ever had. I also work at Junktiques.

By Jen Nolan

Aries… During an alcohol induced scuffle, your fiery independence may flair; this has the potential to distance a worthy admirer, and bring you much post-Cuervo distress. Instead of imbibing when the moon is 6.7/9ths of the way full, partake in a community-building activity.

Taurus… The Taurus’ passion for food will lead you to a delicious encounter that will later become as tangled and complicated as a pretzel. Be open to receiving directional dripping of wisdom from Hyades, your rain star.