From the Annals of Failed Term Papers

Published March 27, 2007

(Either Through Idiocy or Lack of Effort)

This section highlights academic pursuits of UVM students that never quite materialized. We want to share with you the great papers that never were.

Title: The Collective Conscience: The Words of the Prophet are Written in the Bathroom Stalls

Class: Anthropology 198: The American Socio-Politico-Economic Landscape

Abstract
The UVM bathroom stalls are places where discourse can occur between peoples without fear of peer judgments and censorship. These “dialogic bathroom hieroglyphics” constitute a unique social interaction predicated on anonymity, communication, and the release of bodily fluids. These dialogues allow free-flowing dissent, as well as defecation, while also demonstrating cultural norms.

Discussion of Four Types of Bathroom Inscriptions:
1. Petty back-and-forth banter about athletic teams (only in reference to male sports teams and only found in men’s bathrooms). Example of tripartite exchange: “Go Red Sox” – “Red Sox are gay” – “But I have a pair, and I love them” Note: homophobia is prevalent in bathroom hieroglyphics.
2. Vacuous and trite political slogans, opinions and statements. Bathroom walls also act as venues for the expression of politics, since they are rarely expressed in other venues. Ex. “the only Bush I love is my own” or the dialogue “Impeach Bush” – “I like peaches”
3. Pseudo-philosophical quotation or ramblings. Since people are releasing bodily waste, they also are prone to releasing linguistic diarrhea. The words are usually rooted in watered-down Eastern sayings and point to a cultural appropriation without a real knowledge of religion. Ex. “I am one with the universe and the universe is one” or “the wind flows like the ocean in my mind.”
4. Puns, jokes and things that make you angry. These types demonstrate the keen awareness of the writer’s attention to the physical space in which his composition is housed. Ex. On one side of the stall it reads “Look Left” and on the other it says “Look Right,” or “I know that you are pooping right now.”

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