By Elias Altman

The rule of the democratic Athenian empire ended in 413 BC when their fleet, the world’s most powerful, sailed across the Adriatic Sea to conquer Sicily. Their leaders had persuaded them to invade a country that posed no immediate danger to them.

The Athenians were so exhausted in the final battle that as javelins and arrows rained down upon them, they drank from a stream that ran red with their own blood. The survivors were kept in quarries where the rotting dead could not be buried.

But their captors, the Syracusans, offered life …

By Conor Hagen

In the past decade, more than 1,000 journalists have been killed in the field. The majority of these deaths were by way of gunshot, torture, or decapitation.
While journalists covering international conflicts face mortal danger, American journalists are increasingly facing a different sort of danger, one that assaults the precepts of democracy itself: the death of writing via censorship.
On August 1, 2006, Josh Wolf, a freelance journalist and filmmaker was imprisoned for six months for withholding raw video footage from the federal government. Wolf had documented an anti-G8 summit demonstration the previous year in San Francisco.
Wolf’s prison time has become the longest for a journalist in our nation’s history.

1. Drive a Subaru, which you will need to get up the class four road that leads to your summer house in Vermont. You are not like the other weekenders.
2. Put up Tibetan Flags everywhere – this reflects your political side in a subtle way, while also demonstrating an interest in Eastern philosophy.
3. Own a Macintosh computer since they have better programs for art and music production, which allows for the personal expression of your creative side.
4. Use Seventh Generation Paper Towels – you can afford to be liberal.
5. Clogs.

The $2.50 City Market Bagel Sandwich, March 2007. There are few among us who didn’t love the City Market Bagel Sandwich. Two dollars and fifty cents for a meat, cheese, and as many vegetables as you can possibly cram into a delicious toasted bagel. It was the “loophole, the best deal in town” as one UVM student said.
It’s true, the Bagel Sandwich was the end all and be-all of off campus cuisine.

Beyond a quick, tasty, and cheap meal for breakfast, lunch, or dinner it was a hangover cure, an on-the-way-to-the-mountain must have, a cheap picnic date, a mid-lab pick-me-up and so much more.
In death, the $2.50 Bagel Sandwich has been replaced by a less-popular neophyte, the $5.00 bagel sandwich, but nothing will ever replace the $2.50 Bagel Sandwich that will live on forever in our collective memory.

By Max C. Bookman

“It’s the perfect [alcoholic] drink for a child.”

-Judi Vining, a parent activist, on Anheuser-Busch’s, new malt beverage that seems to be marketed towards the under 21 age group. The drink, called Spykes, is 12 percent alcohol, and comes in fun fruity flavors like mango and melon. Bottled in convenient nail-polish sized containers, they’ll be an easy fit for any prom limo!

By Seth Corthell

March is a month that means a lot of things, but most importantly it means March Madness! Every March on opening Thursday I’m as giddy as a child on Christmas, as I get to take part in my second favorite American tradition, high stakes gambling!

This year, as in years past, I analyzed and studied harder than I did for any of my classes, all in pursuit of the glorious perfect bracket, and one thousand dollars.

Another tournament has come and gone, and once again I received the proverbial lump of coal in my NCAA stocking. If there’s one thing we all agree on, it’s that the tournament is a nerve-racking time, for both players and fans, specifically the fans who bet their livelihoods on it. For strictly educational purposes, I have highlighted some of the games that I feel exemplify the ups and downs (they’re mostly downs) of my 2007 NCAA tournament experience.

By Max C. Bookman

It’s 9am, Tuesday morning and my phone alarm is blaring “ What You Know About That.” I fumble for my glasses before dragging my tired ass over to the computer for the necessary pre-class Facebook check, a quick glance at the CNN.com headlines, and then to YouTube to get one more look at that hilarious video we discovered last night amid bong rips (turns out it’s not so funny after all).
The Internet is integral in not just my Tuesday mornings, but in all of our collegiate lives. What’s life without Google, YouTube, Wikipedia, or Limewire?
Viacom, the owner of MTV and Paramount, wants to help us find out. Viacom is claiming billions of dollars in losses for copyrighted material that appears on YouTube, which is owned by Google.

By Nate Bradbury

A week ago, our country ‘celebrated’ the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. Yes, this is another article about Iraq. However, this is about the history of the existing religious conflicts in Iraq: who, what, where, when, why, and how.
It is surprising how many people in our country – where opinions about the war run deep – know that the war is in Iraq and that there are “issues” between two Muslim sects, the Sunnis and the Shi’ites. Yet, there is a sincere lack of general knowledge beyond that …

“I need a new hobby.”

This week’s winner: Will Harrigan-Anderson

Next Week’s Caption: “These look like ants!”

Call for submissions: For the love of God, submit for this contest! I am tired of publishing my roommate’s silly penis joke cartoons.

Submission should be put in the Water Tower SGA mailbox in the basement of Cook Commons or e-mailed to thewatertowernews@gmail.com by Friday 4/6. The winning cartoon will be printed next week.

By Mike Polanski

A few days before the end of last semester, I found myself knee deep in the excrement of finals week with about 25 pages of papers due. My nose dripped, my eyes were bloodshot from crying, and my crotch was sore from all the times I had punched myself for putting off my business for so long.

After professing my symptoms to a friend, he quickly offered a prescription: Adderall and ice for my nether regions. I learned two extremely valuable lessons on the fateful afternoon I decided to give this strange pill a try.

First, that Adderall is a miracle. I paid a few dollars for these delightful orange confections, popped a few, and the floodgates opened.

By Hazel Ryerton

While living in the UVM dorms, you should know that despite the fact that you are on UVM property and living under the regulations laid out in the housing contract, you still have rights! It is your right to protect your privacy in your dorm room!

When the RA knocks:
RAs can knock on your door for any of the following reasons:

1.If they smell smoke (marijuana, incense, or otherwise)
2. If they hear bottles clinking, beruit, loud music, or what sounds like more than 6 people in the room (this is a sneaky rule designed to give RA’s reason to knock).
3. If they see someone who is obviously intoxicated leaving a room.

By Julie Bilodeau

Sunday mornings are divine for relaxation and reflection. You can spend the majority of your Sunday morning falling in and out of sleep, glancing at your watch merely for the reminder that the time is yours and yours alone.

However, a successful Saturday night (when you attain the much anticipated and gossip-worthy college climax: the random hook up) can come at the cost of your luxuriously lazy Sunday morning.

As with most things in life, the acclaimed Saturday night hook up and consequent awkward Sunday morning wake up, recall the dreary life lesson, “You win some you lose some.”

1. Lamentations about how “it just doesn’t seem like I am spending money” when using my Banknorth Debit Card
2. Recollecting “how fucking drunk I was last night – so drunk that I don’t even remember anything”

Created By Anya Brodrick, Torrey Valyou and Tommy Wheeler
This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates
the intersection of image-word-mathematics. Inspired by Joseph Kosuth.

A Day in the Life of Taloolabelle Martin

9:23 am: Rolls over and dramatically flips comforter aside and gets up out of bed. Make-up from last night’s dress rehearsal is still caked on face and smudged mascara looks rather “heroin chic.”

By Rob Booz

It’s getting to be that most lovely and elongated of Vermont seasons: mud season. While most of us don’t have to deal with car grabbing swampy ruts and knee high farm muck, Burlington too has its share of the pervasive sogginess.

Those of us who have been here for more than a year all have our stories of ruined Sambas and mud speckled denim.

When the warm weather comes, it seems like such a good time to break out those new sneakers; the neon Asics you’ve been saving since you charged them to your parents credit card mid-winter because the salt rings on your Chucks totally depress you.

By Jen Nolan

Aries… Right now, the parallels in your life link you to an incredible, newly adopted attitude of apathy. A visceral release of attachment, directed by your brightest star, will leave you with a benevolent feeling of acceptance toward the quirky situations that you will be immersed in.

Taurus… An important message will emerge on the side of your cereal box. “Sweet sugary coating with a crunchy surprising core” may hint at more than the taste of your breakfast.