Adderall, What a Ride

Published April 3, 2007
6 Comments (at bottom of article)

By Mike Polanski

A few days before the end of last semester, I found myself knee deep in the excrement of finals week with about 25 pages of papers due. My nose dripped, my eyes were bloodshot from crying, and my crotch was sore from all the times I had punched myself for putting off my business for so long.

After professing my symptoms to a friend, he quickly offered a prescription: Adderall and ice for my nether regions. I learned two extremely valuable lessons on the fateful afternoon I decided to give this strange pill a try.

First, that Adderall is a miracle. I paid a few dollars for these delightful orange confections, popped a few, and the floodgates opened.

It was not that I had never worked so fast or been so productive, but never in my entire life had I gleaned actual pleasure from work or writing like I did that night. I worked through the night and wrote 20 pages. The sun gloriously rose to gently kiss Burlington with its rays and I too rose, and I was reborn.

Several moments later, I learned my second lesson: Adderall is a drug sent directly from the 12th circle of hell. I had written 20 pages, but as I tried to re-read my brilliant paper, I found myself partially illiterate.
Time began to spin around itself. My heart palpitated like angry repetitions of the word “fuck.”

I couldn’t sleep, food looked pretty nasty, and my only option, as I saw it, was to take some more Adderall, if only to stay awake long enough to finish the rest of my work. I “addy-ed up” as the fiends call it.

Time had stopped spinning around itself and started violently spanking its, and my own, ass in an off-kilter rhythm that was comparable in timing to how I would imagine the way Carson Daly makes love – which I imagine a lot.

In this state, I should have hid from everyone and everything and gone to the crevices of the 2nd floor of the library where us ugly people dwell, rather than the first floor in that godforsaken public arena Where Everybody Knows Your Name. Cheers.

I smelled horrible and I was sweating like Mel Gibson at a Mothers Against Drunk Driving convention held in a synagogue.

If my overall emotions could have somehow been converted into a sound, I would liken it to several rabid raccoons pillaging a small village made of tin foil. Yeah, I know it doesn’t make any sense- I wrote it on mad Adderall.

I finished my paper and handed it in— an accomplishment under the extreme academic conditions.
However over those 24 hours I realized that Adderall should replace the dosage information imprinted on the pills with the words “MIXED FUCKING BLESSING.”

This drug is as dangerous as it is potent, and in our context as college students it often creates a vicious cycle of use, or really, misuse.

Heed my advice lest you find yourself aboard that scary ride known as the Wheel of Adderall, which is far worse than the “scary” ride called Space Mountain at Disney World – which is actually pretty sweet.

THE DRUG CYCLE

1. You have a 12 page paper to complete in three hours. Something needs to happen, and quick. Either you will grow as a person and redefine your previous academic limitations or it is time for some serious Adderall.

Perhaps you lied to get a prescription, or maybe you hit up that kid with like five different psychiatrists. Either way, you’ve got it and it’s got you.

2. You are now at the library generally pretending to do work. Since you’ve already taken some ungodly concoction of Amphetamine Salts you might as well drink tons of coffee too. A healthy diet!

3. Somehow finished your work. Congratulations, I suppose. This is the point in the cycle when you will be jonesing for a little high- the only temporary relief from your nonstop talking and obsessive cleaning.

4. The whole day has been kind of miserable so now Adderall will lead you to the bottle. Again, very little pleasure will be acquired here because you are essentially boozing to forget every aspect of the experience thus far.

5. Now it’s hangover time! Adderall is clearly guiding you towards this further drug use, as you need the ganj to take the edge off of your angry stomach and headache.

6. Perhaps you were totally blazed, but you forgot that you have another paper and/or exam quite soon, and those lovelies are beckoning once more. Be strong…

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