Serving You the News in Brief

Published April 3, 2007

By Max C. Bookman

“It’s the perfect [alcoholic] drink for a child.”

-Judi Vining, a parent activist, on Anheuser-Busch’s, new malt beverage that seems to be marketed towards the under 21 age group. The drink, called Spykes, is 12 percent alcohol, and comes in fun fruity flavors like mango and melon. Bottled in convenient nail-polish sized containers, they’ll be an easy fit for any prom limo!

“I’m not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo.”

-50 Cent, debating the size of his forthcoming line of sex toys. 50 plans to expand his reach from the world of rap to the sex industry with dildos and condoms, all in his likeness of course.

“I will veto any such bill.”

-George W. Bush, on the bill that will soon reach his desk, mandating the pullout of American troops from Iraq by the end of 2008. It is rare for Congress to so sharply contradict a president in wartime. Maybe Mr. Bush should take the hint…

“This is one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever.”

-Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, disgusted by a NYC artist’s chocolate sculpture of a naked crucified Jesus. It’s not the first time a New York artist has pushed religious buttons – the Brooklyn museum caused an uproar in 1999 when they displayed a statue of the Virgin Mary made of elephant dung.

“The China of today is not the China of years ago.”

-Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez, announcing newly-implemented US trade sanctions against China. These sanctions mark a reversal in the two-plus decade policy of free trade with the growing economic powerhouse. Escalating tensions with a powerful communist country – we know where this is going.

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