Serving You The News In Brief

Published April 10, 2007

By Max Bookman

“Calm down with the threats, there’s a new Congress in town.”

-Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, to President Bush, on his promise to veto any legislation that includes a withdrawal from Iraq. Mr. Bush has assured the American people that our presence in Iraq is not open-ended, but a timetable doesn’t seem to be what he has in mind, which makes our commitment…well…open-ended.

“YOU GO BACK TO AFRICA AND DO YOUR GAY VOODOO LIMBO TANGO AND WANGO DANCE.”

-Excerpt from an email sent to Corey Andrew by a US Army recruiter. Mr. Andrew, an openly gay African-American, received the email after he declined to join the army because of its anti-gay policies. (No, there is no such thing as a gay tango and wango dance, by the way.) The recruiter has been suspended pending investigation.

“We bear you no ill will.”

-British Prime Minister Tony Blair, thanking Iran for releasing the 15 British sailors who were captured by the Revolutionary Guard in the waters off of Iraq. After holding them for 12 days, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad found it in his heart to let the sailors go home to jolly ole’ England. Thanks Iran!

“There will always be some who…choose to steal our product.”

-Eric Nicoli, Chief Executive of record giant EMI, on his company’s recent agreement with Apple to release songs on iTunes without any copyright protection. They’ll cost $1.29, but you can play them anywhere, on any .mp3 player. It’s a rare case of a big company doing the right thing.

“Well, it’s something they need to know in life.”

-A fifth grade girl from Louisiana who found her two 11-year-old friends having sex in an empty classroom. While the community is outraged, the kids involved as well as their friends just can’t figure out what all the fuss is about. Oh, the Deep South.

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