Tri-Factor: The Barista

Published April 10, 2007

10:02 am: Glances in mirror and contemplates length of beard: 3-6 day scruff looks bohemian; long beards scream hippie; and a close shave doesn’t go over well with liberal philosophy crowd.

10:45 am: Arrives at small coffee shop, the one with local flair and integrity. Espresso immediately prepared. Puts Putamayo world music CD on to show that “I’ve been to Costa Rica twice and I’m not eurocentric.” Feelings of self-loathing dissipate.

11:32 am: Slight re-positioning of Immanuel Levinas book occurs as attractive female musician friend walks into coffee shop, provoking impertinent conversation about morality. Feelings of self-love blossom.

2:06 pm: Patron with Mac Book Laptop complains about weak wireless Internet and is responded to with a “calm voice” despite desire to scream, “I don’t give a fuck if your internet connection is slow.”

1:22 pm: Repugnance felt for preppy customer who claims espresso is too strong. Tongue bit before retort that “Dunkin’ Donuts is next door if you want something watered down.” People just don’t appreciate quality.

1:26 pm: Quick scan of recent “I spy” entries yields no interest in “cute counter person at small coffee shop with local flair and integrity.” Damn.

2:45 pm: Mild annoyance felt after receiving four consecutive bagel orders in a row. Own hunger curbed by third double espresso, hand rolled cigarettes, and “fat hipster” oxymoron.

2:53 pm: Self-consciousness occurs as un-hip Chinese dragon tattoo becomes exposed on left bicep while reaching for back-up fair trade coffee beans. We were all seventeen once…

3:54 pm: Fidgeting with plugs in earlobe prompts conversation with co-worker about the merit of another body piercing, another tattoo, another way to superficially set oneself apart.

5:32 pm: Irritability felt after customer hangs out for five hours only purchasing one small coffee sans tip (fulfilled daily quota of using “sans” in a sentence), despite previous claims that “coffee shops are cool because you can hang out and read without feeling obligated to spend a lot of money.”

7:09 pm: Shift ends and first step outside onto sidewalk and into real world creates feeling of panic as intense caffeine buzz outside of coffee shop borders on mania. Feelings of self-loathing return.

9:17 pm: Fatigue sets in from coffee comedown as Nick Drake album solemnly plays in the background. Caffeine withdrawal smoothed over with stoic swigs of cheap whiskey.

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