By Kristin McClaran

Last Tuesday, I asked my best guy friend John if he had ever measured his penis. He told me that any guy who said he had never measured his penis was lying, and that his was about “six, six and a half.”

I was surprised because I’ve come into contact with John’s penis on several drunken occasions, and I remembered it being quite large. I said, “That’s it?” and left John pondering his penis size for the next twenty minutes.

The internet once told me that “the average penis is five and a half inches long when aroused,” and I remember thinking, “That is so fucking small.”

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By Rob Booz

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By Lauren McGonagle-Akin

For a long while now it has been a foremost aspiration of mine to find, in the solitary witching hours of the night, one of our old distinguished buildings unlocked and poised for midnight exploration.

On every occasion that I have milled around campus tugging on door handles, I have failed to gain entry. On one such evening, after finding Ira Allen Chapel predictably locked, I peered in the window to behold a miraculous sight.

There in the pews sat none other than the bronze effigies of the Marquis de Lafayette and Ira Allen, both fully animated. Our very own, incredibly rendered catamount lay nestled beside old Ira nuzzling his leg: an intellectual gathering of campus staples.

1. Slap and scuffle of everyone rediscovering flip-flops

2. Crackle of bong rips on grass

3. Various ‘wet mouth noises’ from couples canoodling on green

4. Collective sighs as everyone in class looks outside and sees how nice it is

5. Sizzle of skin burning because they’re too carefree for SPF

By Farzin Mojtabai

In the summer of 2000, I traveled to my native country of Iran for the first time. I will never forget the culture shock that I felt stepping into this other world. I saw children living in extreme poverty and women draped in black cloth from head to toe in scorching 100-degree weather.

But behind the headscarves and strict Islamic social codes, a political movement is underway.

That same summer, college students were beaten, lashed and tossed from dorm balconies for peacefully protesting harsh government policies. After police crushed the protests, I could feel the glass from the shattered dorm windows beneath my feet as I walked through the busy streets of Tehran.

Monday April 23

10 UVM students began hunger striking in front of the Waterman building in yet another effort to convince President Fogel to agree to pay a liveable wage to all university employees and contracted workers.

“We hunger strike because all attempts at dialogue have been exhausted,” says SLAP’s statement of “why we strike.”

“As leaders in social justice, it is a shame that the University of Vermont knowingly allows workers to live in poverty on this campus when they have the power to change it,” wrote SLAP co-president in a letter given to President Fogel last Friday announcing the hunger strike.

The …

By Max C. Bookman

“You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option.”

-Cho Seung-Hui, a student at Virginia Tech who killed 32 people on campus last Monday, marking the most deadly shooting in American history. Before the shooting, Cho recorded a chilling video explaining his motives. He committed suicide before police could detain him.

“President George W. Bush and Vice President Richard Cheney have exercised the duties of their respective offices…in ways that raise serious questions of constitutionality.”

-Text of S.R. 16, a bill passed Friday in the Vermont State Senate, endorsing the impeachment …

By Paul Vallett

A recent article in The Water Tower examined the issues surrounding the usage of ethanol as a replacement for petroleum based fuels. While the article raises some key challenges surrounding ethanol production from corn, it has overlooked some key facts and research that add to the potential benefits arising from using ethanol as part of our world’s energy portfolio.

Clearly corn based ethanol cannot be the entire solution to the future liquid fuels shortage, but it can play a large part in helping the transition process away from fossil fuels in the short term while giving research and development time to produce the next generation of technology transportation.

By Kurt Weiss

Few sandwich shops have managed to really win me over in Burlington. This is a problem because I’m really partial to a good sandwich. It’s such a perfect way to combine all the fixings of a delicious lunch.

Burlington is in no short supply of sandwich shops. They’re all over the place, but none has really impressed me. I expect a lot not just from my sandwich, but from the atmosphere in which it’s made. I liken it to a really great looking girl. Great body, great kisser, works well under pressure, but if she doesn’t have a great personality the chances of my coming back are slim. Then again, if she’s really hot I might keep coming back against my better judgment, and thus we come to Red Onion.

By Max C. Bookman

China invaded Tibet. So what?

When a feudal theocracy is invaded by socialist atheists problems are to be expected. Tibetan Buddhism, an integral part of Tibetan society, simply does not mingle well with Chinese Socialism.
Reports that escape China’s news lockdown tell of horrible stories of religious intolerance and human rights violations.

Since the 1950 invasion, China has actively tried to erase Tibet’s religious heritage by downplaying the importance of the Dalai Lama, destroying ancient Buddhist monasteries, and murdering monks. Chinese soldiers indiscriminately kill Tibetan pilgrims traveling to India to see the Dalai Lama.

This section highlights academic pursuits of UVM students that never quite materialized. We want to share with you the great papers that never-were.

Title: Lacrosse: Cultural Hegemony, Appropriation and the Perseverance of Medieval Warfare in an American Game

Author: Paul Brigham, STUDIO ART MAJOR
Class: Anthropology 133: Western Sport and Collective Cultural Nostalgia

By Nicole Vincent-Roller

If you’ve ever had a significant other visit you from another school, or maybe just a drop-out friend who’s trying to mooch off your scholastic lifestyle (without the, you know, scholastics), you’ve probably run into the parking issue.

For those freshmen and sophomores living on campus especially, even if you can figure out what to do with your guests, their cars are often another issue entirely.

On-campus overnight parking options are limited, especially on weeknights, and sooner or later your guests will probably be tempted to call in that one freebie (also known as …

By Nate Bradbury

Every student at UVM is probably familiar with the roles that Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr., and Malcolm X played in the battles of America’s Civil Rights Movement.

Contrarily, you may be less familiar with Clarence Darrow (critical to the founding of the ACLU), Thurgood Marshall (Brown v. Board and the first African-American Supreme Court Justice), or Clarence M. Mitchell (pivotal leader in the struggle for the Civil Rights Acts of 1960 and 1964). These three men were important leaders in the struggle for equality in America during the 20th century, but their names carry little historical currency.

If it surprises you that the gains of the Civil Rights Movement have been eroded over the past half-century, then it wouldn’t surprise me if you didn’t know Miranda Massie’s name either. Ms. Massie is – in my humble opinion – a critically important member of the Civil Rights Movement redux.

By Peter Casasa-Blouin

Word of mouth goes a long way in a community like Burlington. I met Kamary randomly downtown one night, and he mentioned that he hosts Thursday nights at Acoustic Lounge. In turn, I mentioned that I was writing a music column trying to expose the student body to venues they would otherwise not have known about.

Acoustic Lounge is a single room tucked discreetly in the back of Parima on Pearl Street. At first glance it seems exclusive in its intimacy, but as I sat on one of many oriental rugs surrounded by dim red lights I noticed that those gathered didn’t fit any particular category, stereotype, group or what have you (which didn’t make my editors very happy).

By Julie Bilodeau

That last power boost smoothie left you gawking as the Marche cash register blinked a dismal $1.37 left on your points. Shit.

With less than a month to go, a good portion of on-campus residents are about to get acquainted with their more creative side of survival.

If you find yourself stalking the halls searching for the recently delivered Leonardo’s pizza in an effort to scam a piece from never-spoken-to-before floormates or making dinner out of the remaining contents of your minifridge (salsa, cream cheese, beer, chocolate milk) it may be time to reevaluate.

1. Join …

1. It’s a shame we never spent more time together? Yah, we should do something about that. + Seductive stare
2. Acually, we broke up for the summer, so…
3. Hey, aren’t we friends on facebook?
4. My roommate left this morning…
5. I always see you in the library… what’s your name?

A Day in the Life of Kara Cooper:

5:58 am: Wakes up for daily 6am weight training session with “Paulie” the buff trainer. Not hung-over. Not going to wake and bake.

7:04 am: Feeling of doubt is present after leaving gym as the rest of college experience requires use of brain, not just body. Feeling subsides as thoughts of playoffs takeover.

7: 38 am: Post-practice breakfast includes 5 eggs, 2 bananas, 6 pieces of toast, and 3 protein shakes.

8:54 am: Showers and checks out own toned stomach and supple breasts in mirror before changing from all grey UVM sweat suit into all green UVM sweat suit for first class.

10:21 am: Underestimation of own strength occurs as smaller male friend gets jokingly pushed but actually falls over.

1. At 11pm on any given night Pearl Street is chockfull of heady long-boarders. Many are getting perfecting their shralp for next season and wear goggles to “really feel it.” Others are dressed in long shorts with Phish patches from high school and are practicing so they don’t embarrass themselves when it is daytime.

2. Acoustic guitars pop up all over the place revealing that at least 80% of the male population: likes to show off their pasty white bodies with or without pubic chest hair and is off-key, tone-deaf and infatuated with the chords from “ Redemption Song.”

3. Everyone starts to get really horny and people that once were “off the list” become contenders and look ten or fifteen times more attractive than they once did. The school generally seems to quadruple in potential sexual partners.

With Love, Emily Watts and Alexis Langer

Who: Emily Jablon and Louise
Where: India House, rose wine and sweet hot balls

C&F: How do you feel about birthdays?

Emily: Love them! It’s the most important thing ever to a person, obviously.

C&F: What about birthday suits? Would you rather be naked or clothed?

Emily: Depends on the situation…

C&F: Is there a certain type of clothing you associate yourself with?

Emily: Yeah, 70s, vintage, spandex. That’s that. Nice jewelry.

C&F: Do you follow trends or do you just wear whatever the fuck you want?

Emily: I wear whatever the fuck I want. I think I start trends. That is what my mom said.