Fuck Red Onion

Published April 25, 2007
2 Comments (at bottom of article)

By Kurt Weiss

Few sandwich shops have managed to really win me over in Burlington. This is a problem because I’m really partial to a good sandwich. It’s such a perfect way to combine all the fixings of a delicious lunch.

Burlington is in no short supply of sandwich shops. They’re all over the place, but none has really impressed me. I expect a lot not just from my sandwich, but from the atmosphere in which it’s made. I liken it to a really great looking girl. Great body, great kisser, works well under pressure, but if she doesn’t have a great personality the chances of my coming back are slim. Then again, if she’s really hot I might keep coming back against my better judgment, and thus we come to Red Onion.

Red Onion has in its self-titled daily special one of the most attractive sandwiches in Burlington. My mouth is constantly watering for that sun-dried tomato mayo.

And yet every time, after I place my mouth-watering order, I am sure to be upset within minutes. If you plan on basing your business around a sandwich that involves heating it up, you need to have that shit down to a science.

The most anxious moments of my life are waiting for my Red Onion to come out of the oven. I just sit there pouring water into my glass (which I must say, providing you’re customers with a water pitcher is an amenity that all order and wait establishments should adopt- point awarded) and watching the staff work in total ignorance of my overcooked sandwich.

Once I got up the nerve to remind the staff that my sandwich had been baking for about ten minutes to which the employee responded, “Yah I know, these things take awhile.” Then, to prove himself right, he took care of two other things before taking out my sandwich, which had burnt to a crisp.

Add this to the fact that there’s never enough meat on their sandwiches. They might as well cut an inch off around the sandwich, because they consistently manage to ball the meat up into a circlewell within the bounds of the crust.

My friend Henry gets embarrassed when he calls in now because I’m constantly screaming in the background to make sure they know I want turkey on the whole sandwich.

At eight bucks a pop I feel I deserve this. By the end of the trip I always end up feeling worse than Zach Morris waking up to Jessie naked. And yet there’s still that episode every now and again when you think, maybe, just maybe, Jessie looks better than Kelly?

In other Sandwich news, until KKD has its Zoolander Magnum moment, they only have one sandwich and can’t turn left.

Print This Article

Comments