By Elias Altman

I hate falling asleep, or rather I hate trying to fall asleep. Usually, it takes me at least an hour from the time I get under my covers to the time I actually lose consciousness.

“It’s so simple” – I whisper to myself like an amateur hypnotist – “just go to sleep.” After fifteen minutes, I get annoyed.

“You don’t even have to do anything,” I say. Sleeping should be easy since it’s really just the absence of doing anything. But it’s not for me. My mental frustration slowly transforms into physical discomfort: too hot, too cold, etc. Once that form of biofeedback begins, it’s really all downhill.

(Illustration by Mike Everett)

By Lauren McGonagle-Akin

Entering into a conversation about the hunger strike that began last week has reached almost abortion-status in terms of controversy and disagreement. Some common sentiments float around campus, ranging from avid support and solidarity to complete disbelief.

I’ve heard many students express that they feel all this energy could be channelled into a more worthy cause. Also others just shrug and say “the economy is the economy,” and UVM employees aren’t doing so badly in the big capitalist scheme of things. Passing value judgements on worthy causes is a dangerous stance to take, especially if you seek to be a facilitator of change. The more prevalent issue on campus though, seems to be one of means rather than ends.

1. All the informal but strictly-observed ethics of waiting for a computer in the library go straight out the window. Students weave around the first floor computers like hungry sharks. The casual line that used to start near the reference desk is a waiting area for those who are inadaptable, unfit for the survival now needed in this academic climate.

2. At a time when no one wants to be immortalized in photographs, everyone comes to the naked bike-ride with their little digital 10 mega-pixel cameras. The spectacle turns into a veritable UVM paparazzi event. I guess there’s nothing quite like having a keepsake of some wildly drunk, anonymous student’s genitalia stored on your hard drive.

3. The ability of UVM students to discuss anything from John Maynard Keynes to Jon Bon Jovi ends. The different on-campus conversations slowly devolve into only three varieties: talking about how much work you have while stalling to do it, talking about how much work you should be doing while at Red Rocks, talking about how much work you wish you didn’t have while smoking outside the library.

You may remember the first 7 issues of The Water Tower- the cute, double-fold format- printed in Georgia, VT when things were cheap and local. Sadly, as is the trend, our printer was bought by Gannett (the largest newspaper publisher in the US that owns, among many others, the Burlington Free Press and USA Today) which then shut it down in an effort to consolidate (and monopolize) local printing.

We scrambled to find a new printer that could take us on in a matter of days, and we chose The Times Argus. Our relationship, albeit expensive, seemed happy …

Max C. Bookman

“On [his] shoulders rested many great deeds for the good of the country and serious mistakes - a tragic fate.”

-Mikhail Gorbachev, the last leader of the Soviet Union, on the death of Boris Yeltsin, the first democratically elected head of state in Russian history. Yeltsin was instrumental in the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union and guided Russia through its turbulent first years of democracy. He died last Monday.

By Nicole Vincent-Roller

When it comes to getting from point A to point B in an automobile with small amounts of recreational pot in tow, I’ve more than once heard the following theory espoused: “I don’t stash it in the car, I keep it on me. My pocket is more secure than my vehicle.”

This seemingly reasonable theory is couched in the assurances given to us by the Bill of Rights. It is true that among the promises of the Fourth Amendment is the right to freedom from unlawful search and seizure. Unfortunately, the word “unlawful” makes way for all manner of feels that cops can cop.

By Max C. Bookman

Following the massacre at Virginia Tech, we do what we do best in the aftermath of terrible tragedies: we talk about security. In these times, phrases like, “future prevention,” “gun safety,” and “tighter security measures,” enter the daily lexicon. This American ritual began in the days following Columbine and came into fruition after September 11th. We have become obsessed with our own safety, and we are paying serious consequences for this irrational fear.

It is apparent everywhere. Schools are putting metal detectors at the doors, shopping malls are hiring security guards, communities are devising emergency evacuation plans, and airports are getting more and more ridiculous.
The NSA can now wiretap your phone without your knowledge or a warrant, and the New York MTA urges you to, “see something, say something.”

1. By reading the paper, you are bolstering the egos of people who are already pretentious.
2. Prolonged reading of every issue will turn you into a narrow minded judgmental person who has no ability to think out side of pre-formed labels.
3. You will end up confused as one article will preach about the merits of diversity and another article within the same issue will box people into rigid social categories based off of what they look like.

“Aw… You’re blushing…”
Illustration by Alex Whitehead

By Tommy Wheeler

I find politics annoying. I don’t hate our government; I just distance myself from it. To hate something means you took time and thought about it, to not even acknowledge something is the ultimate snub.

I recently overheard a male student talking on his cell-phone with his father – there was formality and apprehension in his voice. “I support livable wages, but what’s the point of hunger striking to protest it,” he said. Presumably the “moderate” viewpoint impressed his less-than idealistic elder.

I began digesting his comment as I approached the hunger striker’s camp outside Waterman.

By Hazel Ryerson

Friday afternoon, after a meeting with president Fogel, the SLAP hunger strikers voted unanimously to end the hunger strike.

SLAP accepted Fogel’s verbal promise to set up a new task force, similar to last year’s Basic Needs Task Force except that it will be permanent and include continued student participation.

This new task force, which Fogel promised to set up “shortly” will be a venue for students to continue to dialogue with the administration about livable wage and the implementation of a Livable Wage policy for the University, as well as the yet unaddressed issue of implementing a livable wage …

By Michael Taras

DAY one (Monday)

7:55 am- Still full from last night’s dinner, this shouldn’t be that hard.

1:00 pm - Blood sugar is low, so I drink some cider. My blood sugar quickly rises and then plummets. I lie down and nap for a bit. I dream of a big, cheesy pizza. It has been five hours.

DAY two

6:15am- I go into Waterman and take an Austin Powers-style pee.

11:12am- Upon seeing my “HUNGER STRIKER” sash, my professor lectures me about capitalism.

12:30 pm- Channels 3 & 5 come to film. I am too tired to care enough about being on TV, so …

1. “Yeah, we should totally go hiking tomorrow.” (It’s understandable that you might want to impress your friends with how well rounded you are, but most likely you’re just going to be hungover and lay around on your couch all afternoon until it’s time to drink again.)

2. “We should hang out more.” (There’s probably a reason that you avoid eye contact during daylight hours, but intoxication gives you a …

Created By Anya Brodrick, Torrey Valyou and Tommy Wheeler

With Love, Emily Watts and Alexis Langer

Cummerbund and Fanny Pack Expos�: How to Cover Up a Hicky:

Spring is here…Graduation is around the corner… and R Kelly tells us that “there ain’t nothin’ wrong with a little bump and grind.”

It’s like the scene in every high school movie ever made- papers are flying, trumpets are blowing, school’s out for the summer and the prettiest girl on campus finally says hello to the class nerd. Dudes flash culinary expertise by demonstrating their uber masculinity over the barbie.

1.) Black Licorice
2.) Anchovies
3.) Prune Juice
4.) SPAM
5.) Anything Banana Flavored except Bananas

ACROSS

1 LUIGI’S BROTHER

2 SONY’S HANDHELD CONSOLE

10 ATOMIC BIKINI