Serving You the News in Brief

Published May 1, 2007

Max C. Bookman

“On [his] shoulders rested many great deeds for the good of the country and serious mistakes - a tragic fate.”

-Mikhail Gorbachev, the last leader of the Soviet Union, on the death of Boris Yeltsin, the first democratically elected head of state in Russian history. Yeltsin was instrumental in the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union and guided Russia through its turbulent first years of democracy. He died last Monday.

“Virginia Tech violence was a nightmare. Now imagine those death tolls twice a week, every week. That’s Iraq.”

-Excerpt from Newsweek’s Conventional Wisdom section. The media’s patience for the war has soured in the past months, reflecting the growing opinion among the American public that our continued presence in Iraq is doing more harm than good.

“You have to have foreplay with your wife and you have to have sex with her frequently, not just when you want to.”

-Dr. Heba Kotb, host of Egypt’s, “The Big Talk,” a TV show that gives sex advice to married couples. Talking about sex in public or even between husband and wife is considered extremely taboo in the Arab world. The show is the first of its kind in Egypt. Next project: “University of Cairo Coeds Gone Wild!”

“We shall not allow this unhealthy development to take root in the state.”

-A Nigerian man commenting on the search for an elusive polygamous lesbian and her wives. While freshman guys may think lesbian polygamy is totally fucking sweet, the people of Nigeria are appalled. If the women are found, they are subject to stoning (and not the UVM kind of stoning, either).

“He doesn’t seem the sort of bloke we want in this country.”

-Australian Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews, defending his country’s refusal to allow Snoop Dogg entry into Australia, on account of his long criminal history. The rapper was scheduled to host the MTV Australian Music Awards. After all the respect we paid to Steve Irwin, this is what we get? Snoop Dogg: Fuck kangaroos.

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