Top Five insincere alcohol-induced statements

Published May 1, 2007

1. “Yeah, we should totally go hiking tomorrow.” (It’s understandable that you might want to impress your friends with how well rounded you are, but most likely you’re just going to be hungover and lay around on your couch all afternoon until it’s time to drink again.)

2. “We should hang out more.” (There’s probably a reason that you avoid eye contact during daylight hours, but intoxication gives you a deeper appreciation of humanity.)

3. “I used to have the biggest crush on you.” (Really?…It never seemed like it and most likely you’re trying to tell me you have a crush on me now as the modifying phrase “used to” seems safer and protects you from rejection.)

4. “I think I’m going to cut back on my drinking next week.” (I doubt it…the only time you say this is when you’re drunk because you feel momentary guilt about your degenerate lifestyle.)

5. “I love you” (You’ve never said this before, but I think you’re both drunk and coked up tonight, and most likely you just want me to say “I love you” back, but I’d rather wait until the morning to see if that statement still applies.)

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