Tri-Factor: The Water Tower Writer
Published May 1, 2007
Created By Anya Brodrick, Torrey Valyou and Tommy Wheeler
A Day in the Life of a Water Tower Writer:
9:56 am: While getting dressed, insecurity sets in about certain clothing items railroading style into specific and predictable genre, such as “hipster.” In trying to avoid all other style genres, another genre is formed known as “elitist academic blazer and tee-shirt combo
10:26 am: Cultivation of nonchalant “I don’t really care” attitude nullified by fact that it takes more effort to act like you don’t care than it does to just not care.
10:54 am: New article being written about aphorisms comes off as self-pontification. Use of phrase self-pontification comes off as even more self-pontificating.
11:24 am: Confusion about own political beliefs occurs as making fun of emphatic liberals gets followed by making fun of patriotic conservatives despite obvious upper class liberal upbringing. Similar confusions occur while selecting song on I-pod as side of self that “knows better” wants to listen to underground Indie rock band and side of self that embraces
irresistible formula that is pop music wants to listen to 50 cent.
12:04 pm: Conversation about how the “Cynic” has sold out and placed ads from McDonalds and the U.S. Army seems righteous until realization that we would do the same thing if we could.
1:05 pm: Embrace of mainstream American culture and condescension of hippie counter culture thought of as a “sarcastic higher level of awareness about society” when in actuality we’re just jaded and typical.
1:23 pm: Arrogance felt in academic setting as numerous people in library are reading Water Tower, yet not relevant outside of college bubble as no one else gives a fuck what our opinion is. In addition, most workplace environments value Microsoft Excel skills over ability to make trivial and stereotypical observations about different types of people.
2:07 pm: Criticism received from fellow peer that Water Tower is pointless is internally rationalized by fact that they “just aren’t smart enough to understand it.”
3:18 pm: Dictionary.com use becomes rampant as unnecessarily large vocabulary words are employed to make articles seem more intelligent than they actually are.
4:32 pm: Fourth re-read of article about penis size prompts purchase of ruler.
6:43 pm: Stereotypical de-construction of a Water Tower writer intended to come off as self-deprecating and humble, but probably comes off as pretentious anyway.
10:03 pm: Encounter at bar with Water Tower writer of opposite sex fails to transition into drunken hookup as conversation awkwardly trails off into narcissistic and boring analysis of newspaper related topics.
Print This Article
« CUMMERBUND & FANNY PACK | Top Five insincere alcohol-induced statements »
Comments
Leave a Reply
