Serving You the News in Brief

Published May 8, 2007

Max C. Bookman

“Is there anyone on the stage who does not believe in evolution?”

-A question asked at the first formal debate among Republican presidential candidates on May 3. Three of the ten candidates raised their hand signaling their distrust in Darwin’s theory. Yes, this is 2007, not 1927. What the fuck?!

“I also understand that I set a very poor example for a lot of young people.”

-New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine, in his first public appearance since his motorcade got into an accident on April 12. The governor was not wearing a seatbelt, and as a result, lost half the blood in his body, and broke 15 bones. He later paid the $45 ticket for not wearing a seatbelt. What a guy.

“As you can imagine, it’s a thing that people aren’t really comfortable talking about.”

-Dr. Richard Williams, NASA’s chief health and medical officer, commenting on how the agency will deal with sex and possible pregnancy in space on a three-year mission to Mars. The topic is taboo, but come on, they must have tried it up on the International Space Station! My question: space condoms?

“Please, my father is having a heart attack.”

-The desperate plea of a Florida woman who got pulled over speeding to the ER. When the woman sped away, the cop chased her down, roughed her up, and arrested her. Cops and their power trips…

“The wheel has turned full circle.”

-Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who seized Venezuela’s oil fields from American petroleum companies last Tuesday. Chavez is a vocal critic of the United States and has been trying to put together an anti-American bloc of various socialist countries and Iran. Venezuela is one of the largest suppliers of oil to the United States. Uh oh.

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