Tri-Factor: A Day in the Life of a Vice President (one of twenty-two):

Published May 8, 2007

7:05 am: wakes up and dresses in freshly dry-cleaned Brooks Brothers suit and makes obligatory attempt to look “fun” and “engage students” with Vermonty maple leaf tie that looks local but actually cost $68 at Barney’s.

7:36 am: eats a heart-healthy breakfast (cantaloupe and
high-fiber muffin) with wife while teleconferencing with oldest son at Bates via speaker-phone. Agrees to direct deposit $3,000 into his checking account for spring break in Cancun.

9:02 am: Arrives at the President’s Wing of Waterman and picks up bonus paycheck for the “Competitive Universities” conference that he attended at Georgetown two weeks ago where Guinness Book record was set for repetitive and hallow use of word “benchmark” in a four hour period.

9:02 am to 10:45 am: checks email, webmail, and reads the UVM alumni blog for any juicy gossip about past lovers (note: time wasting devices are identical to that
of the first floor library slacker who is reading facebook).

11:00 am: meeting and coffee with other administrators to discuss food in administrative breakroom, salary boosts for vice presidents, and all things that can be filed under procrastination/bureaucratic bullshit.

11:45 am: returns to office overlooking Lake Champlain and admires his recently acquired monogrammed pen and penholder.

12:30 pm to 2:00 pm: extended lunch downtown at Leunigs to discuss how best to subvert student expression. Chalking officially termed “unsightly.”

5:06 pm: Walks to reserved parking space and unlocks Audi while contemplating the impression made by ordering a dirty martini versus a whisky on the rocks at the country club (similar to the premeditated pretense of ease portrayed by students deciding between Long Trail and PBR).

7:32 pm: Orders the martini and defends unfounded belief that faculty research and publication productivity is not increasing at a fast enough rate in relation to faculty salary boosts.

9:56 pm: Returns home to argue with wife about summer vacation plans. Their Caribbean time-share cottage dates conflict with allotted vacation time. All the vice presidents need to stagger their 2 vacation leave so as to maintain the pretense that all 22 are necessary although 3 could probably suffice.

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