Serving You The News In Brief

Published September 17, 2007

By Max C. Bookman

“Americans are getting fatter and dumber.”

-Presidential longshot Mike Gravel, on the state of the American educational system. His comments were delivered during an online Democratic presidential forum. Way to win ‘em over, Mike!

“This episode represents a calculated and deliberate attempt to avoid…honest competition on the playing field.”

-NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, in a letter to the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick for taping the offensive and defensive signals of an undisclosed rival team. Belichick was fined $500,000 and the Pats another $250,000. Maybe that’s how they beat the Jets…

“Our strategy has been working.”

-President George W. Bush, in an address to the nation Thursday night. Bush outlined the success of the congressionally-authorized war escalation, allowing a whopping 2,000 troops to come home by Christmas. Yeah, stay the course.

“She isn’t fit enough to be wearing (or not wearing) what she is.”

-One of the millions of Internet comments on Britney Spears’s performance at the VMAs. Bloggers took issue with the pop singer’s midsection, lamenting the disappearance of the tight abs that had once made them cry “baby one more time.” Fuck them, I’d do her, and so would you.

“It would be a quagmire.”

-Excerpt from a 1994 interview with Dick Cheney that has recently gained new popularity on the Internet. In the interview, the current VP explains why taking out Hussein in the first Gulf War would have been a terrible idea. Hmm.

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