By Max C. Bookman

I still can’t believe that the masterminds behind The Mind of Mencia and The Sarah Silverman Program also bring the news to millions of young Americans. It’s the 21st century, and this aint yo’ mamma’s Dan Rather.

Hundreds of thousands of American soldiers have been fighting in the disparaged cradle of civilization for the better part of this decade. While a few of us strongly believe they’re defending freedom, and others lament that they’re making a big mess, most of us would rather just speculate about Britney Spears while anxiously awaiting the new season of South Park.
There is a growing sentiment among those of us born in the 1980’s that Washington, D.C. has become Comedy Central. With the endless list of broken promises, sex scandals, dramatic monologues, and vicious backstabbing, Washington politics has the makings of a juicy (or horrific) sitcom.

Of course, some episodes have been more memorable than others.

1. Discuss weather. “So, it’s really nice out today, huh?”

2. Lament on how annoying going to class is (works great on Monday). “Damn, I’m so tired, class really blows.”

3. Curse the current occupancy level of the bus. “God, it’s so crowded in here, I wish we were on one of those big eco-friendly busses.”

4. Annoyingly recount how inebriated you were all weekend. “Heinekens and Jagger bombs all night, baby!”

5. Say nothing. Don’t make eye contact. …

By Max C. Bookman

“Don’t Tase me, bro!”

-The desperate plea of a University of Orlando student who was Tazered for allegedly resisting arrest at an on campus John Kerry speech. Police cited that the student had asked one too many questions and was causing a disturbance. First Amendment? Unlawful seizure? No way, just Taser. (Know your rights: UVM police also carry Tasers.)

By Nate Bradbury

Recently, I realized that I am most happy when I am blissfully unaware of the world around me. This is a problem for me.

I may get wrapped up in a class, meeting, or even a TV show and life goes on without me. I’ve been less attentive than usual to the headlines this week and I was struck when I discovered the amount and magnitude of the media frenzies I had missed.

OJ’s out on bail! Spectators heard screams of “Don’t taser me bro!” The ACLU has filed a “friend of the court” on Senator Craig’s behalf, pointing out the bigoted nature of the police work in that Minnesota airport.

Then there is the case of the Jena Six. If you haven’t heard, racial tensions have come to a full boil in the small town of Jena, Louisiana. Since last August, a shocking chain of events has sparked national interest. Right now, there is a lot of misinformation about the case, the students, and the legal process; so, I would like to set the story straight.

http://mixtapeshow.net/0919/mixtape-88-the-jena-6/

The self-proclaimed “illest rap/soultronica podcast” put together a show in honor of the Jena Six. “Mixtape 88″ features James Rucker from ColorofChange.org, which is a site that is closely involved with the Free Jena 6 movement. Calls poured in from across the country and included “rappers, filmmakers, label presidents, students, and everything in between.” Check out beats from Mobb Deep and take the opportunity to participate in the campaign.

1. “Well, what do you think?”

2. “Does anyone else want to answer that?”

3. “Great question, I’ll get right back to that in just a minute.” (Never does)

By Lauren Foley

It’s a common occurrence on campus: people hold doors for each other. For some, this is the ultimate act of courtesy and manners. For those in the minority, this act is not seen as courageously courteous, it’s seen as a little bit obnoxious.

Of course, when people are walking two steps in front of me and they push the door open for me as they walk through, I appreciate it. That is common courtesy expected of most people. No one wants a door slammed in their face. The door holding that I am talking about is the type in which a male sees me approaching from 30 yards away. He always waits, holds the door, and watches me, obviously listening until I squeak out the prerequisite “Thank you,” before he relinquishes the door, strutting off to his next class, sure that he has left another poor, helpless female utterly and eternally grateful. Sound familiar?

By Alex Townsend

I hold doors open for people every day. It’s common courtesy and at this point it feels like it’s been embedded in my DNA. It’s not really something I mind doing, but I do appreciate it when other people return the favor. Yes, even men.

I consider myself a feminist and am proud to do so. I like to be independent and determined and take every opportunity to make myself a more accomplished person. I get angry when I think of situations when a woman has been wrong just because of her sex.

But really? Holding doors open? That’s not …

By Cedric Mac Smith

Ah, fall in Burlington. How nice it is to watch the trees turn from green to bright yellows and crimsons while the brisk air settles in. It’s time for hot chocolate and s’mores by the fireplace while the pumpkins and apples get perfectly ripe. Perhaps your favorite seasonal drink at Starbucks is coming around. Another summer gone could only possibly mean one thing in this cul de sac of tranquility. It means October, and it means War.

1. Your instructor tells you to stick out your tongue and “pant shamelessly like a dog” in order to master the breath of fire.

2. The girl in front of you releases more than lower back tension as she rises from cobra to downward facing dog.

3. You are the only one in class incapable of standing on one foot. So while everyone else is finding their center, you find yourself falling flat on your sitting bones.

4. You rise up out of baby pose (where you sit back on your knees with your head to the ground) and see in the mirrored …

By Alex Townsend

Oh, relationships.

We see them in movies, on T.V., and in every disgustingly sweet couple making out in the hallways. When we’re with someone else, it can seem like there’s no world outside the drama, migraines, and heartache of dating. When we break up, it’s easy to want to just swear off of relationships forever.

Still, although it can have its perks, being single sucks.

When you’re single for a while, you start to feel horribly unattractive. That shirt that always made you feel funky and fresh? It has inexplicably started to make you look like someone just threw up on you. What might have simply been a case of frizzy hair a week ago is now an abomination that the bride of Frankstein would cringe at.

By Jackie Gray

The truth is this: We are over

Someone else shall follow in my wake

And the time we spent together will be removed to the past.

Yet this truth hurts so much that I feel crushed

To think of you lying in the arms of another

To think of you showing your tenderness to another

Such thoughts destroy me.

By Hannah Weiss

It’s autumn in Burlington, and as of yet we really can’t ask for better weather. Yes, it has rained some, but it’s still perfect for biking, running, walking home at 9 o’clock in the morning from someone else’s bed. Or, if you’re like me, walking home at 5:30 in the morning in a torrential downpour…but we’ll get back to that later.

The walk of shame is a college experience that most will eventually encounter; if not, maybe you’re being a little too picky, we can only get away with this kind of behavior for so long. …

Created By WT Editorial Staff

This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates the intersection of image-word-mathematics.

A Day in the Life of Kingsley NewManey:

9:58 am: wakes up to Kelly Clarkson’s “ Since U Been Gone” on bedazzled pink radio alarm, slight hangover present from 2 cosmos with the girls

10:18 am: straightens hair, intense pigtail session with the lil’ sis

11:23 am: picks at massive bacon salad prepared by in house chef, discussion over tastefully slutty outfits for formal in the Davis Center Grand Ball

12:24pm: casually pick out outfit for downtown stroll, re-organize contents of new “like totally cute” wallet

1:51 pm: ‘bucks run, grande double extra mocha skim latte with cinnamon, 6 packets of equal is like so needed right now!

By Lea McLellan

I didn’t want to go. It wasn’t fun. It hurt. And I hated it. After the first time, I figured I would have to be deranged to go again. Yet there I was, like a girl possessed, walking straight towards inevitable doom.

This time, I had even convinced an innocent and unsuspecting friend from class to join me. “It’s fun,” I told her. “You’ll like it.” I knew I was lying, but I couldn’t go by myself again.

We were on our way to kickboxing.