Serving You The News In Brief

Published September 24, 2007

By Max C. Bookman

“Don’t Tase me, bro!”

-The desperate plea of a University of Orlando student who was Tazered for allegedly resisting arrest at an on campus John Kerry speech. Police cited that the student had asked one too many questions and was causing a disturbance. First Amendment? Unlawful seizure? No way, just Taser. (Know your rights: UVM police also carry Tasers.)

“:-)”

-Posted by Carnegie Mellon University professor Scott Fahlman on an online bulletin board on September 19. 1982. Fahlman has renewed claims that he is the first person to use the now universally recognized emoticon, marking its 25th birthday last Wednesday. He posted it to suggest a reaction to a funny joke. What would we have done in high school without Mr. Fahlman?

“General Petraeus or General Betray Us”

-Text of an ad placed in The New York Times by left-wing organization MoveOn.org, referring to the allegedly cherry-picked statistics recently delivered by General David Petraeus to Congress on the current conditions in Iraq. The ad violated the cardinal rule to never criticize the Army, and has caused political backlash on both sides of the aisle. But come on, it rhymes so much nicer than “General Duh I Get Fired If I Tell You We’re Fucking Shit Up In Iraq.”

“I hope he goes to prison for a very long time.”

-Fred Goldman, father of now deceased Ron Goldman, commenting on last week’s arrest of O.J. Simpson. As if one high-profile public spectacle was not enough for O.J., the former athlete was arrested once again, this time for robbing sports memorabilia from a Las Vegas hotel. Michael Vick: It’s great to have you back, O.J.

“Under no circumstances.”

-Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani, commenting on Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s request to visit the site of the World Trade Center to pay his respects. Under Ahmadinejad, Iran has done nothing for its citizens but has succeeded in pissing off the rest of the world through a backward stance on Israel, insistence on conducting a shady nuclear program, and messing with US operations in Iraq. His request was denied.

“I think I got a B in Econ 101. I got an A however in keeping taxes low.”

-United States President George W. Bush, dodging a question regarding the economy during a press conference last Thursday. The President actually received a C- in economics in 1965 and 1966. He also got an A in cocaine and an F in winning wars in Iraq.

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