The Art of Courtship

Published October 9, 2007

By Lea McLellan

“Hey, I’m Mike. And you should know… I’m just a really forward guy,” said this hyper-looking goofball kid as he shook my hand. Mike wasn’t the first “forward guy” I had met at that party, but he was the first to verbalize it. He sat down next to me on the seedy couch, as if to prove just how forward he was. He asked me my name and I told him. “Wow,” he said, shaking his head in amazement (very smooth), “That…is a beautiful name.” I tried not to laugh.

Mike wasn’t too imaginative. Since then, I’ve come to the disturbing realization that a lot of guys think that telling a girl that they’re forward is an awesome pick-up line. Granted they’re usually drunk, but I don’t think that’s a good enough excuse to be creepy. And let’s face it, although I like to think Lea is a nice name, I’m sure that if I had told him my name were Bertha Jean, he would have come out with the “beautiful name” line just as quickly.

Despite the fact that this Mike guy was proving to be very lame, I was bored and decided to go with it.

“Hey, get this… my full name is actually Leanora Rose,” I told him. I figured this would basically blow his mind, and I was right. He turned to the nearest guy he knew.

“Yo, check it out… this is the coolest girl at this whole effin’ party! Her name’s Lea… uh Leanor–… yo, what was the rest again?” Sure, I had to fill in the blank, but I forgave him. Honestly, I was curious to see what he would come out with next.

That’s when things started to get weird. “Your parents must be really cool people to give you a name like that… are they cool people? What kind of music do they listen to? See how I just like, ask about your parents? See how forward I am?”

I didn’t know if forward was the term I’d use. This kid had an exceptionally warped idea of what I wanted to hear. And since I wasn’t too into the idea of detailing my dad’s CD collection, I mumbled something about Peter Gabriel, utilized the buddy system, and got out of there.

This may have been an extreme example of the bizarre, failed attempts lame guys make to pick up girls at parties. Even so, I can’t say that my situation was entirely unique. Every weekend brings new additions to the list of corny, awful things guys say in their pathetic efforts to get lucky. In all my naiveté, I thought comedians made up those “top ten worst pick-up lines.” I didn’t know people actually said things like, “Did it hurt… when you fell from heaven?” or the more to the point, “Hey, you’ve got great tits.” Another common tactic is to put down all the girls they’ve met and put the emphasis on how much better you are in comparison. Unless someone has seriously low self-esteem, this game plan really shouldn’t work.

I realize that not every guy reverts to played-out lines about beautiful eyes. Not every guy feels the need to tell a girl that she’s way cooler and totally different from every other girl at a party. I’m sure there are plenty of people who are capable of taking part in normal conversation within a social setting.

Unfortunately, that fact can be hard to remember when you ask a guy if he remembers your name, and his response is, “Uhh… Gorgeous?”

Print This Article

Comments