Introducing I Want You So Bad:

Someone around campus catch your eye? Couldn’t catch a name?
Describe how it went down, and we’ll put it in the next Water Tower. Maybe you’ll get lucky.

Visit I Want You So Bad now to read others’ submissions or to submit your own “incident.”

That’s www.thewatertowernews.com/iwantyousobad for the latest submissions!

Enjoy!
– The Water Tower

What do you do when you’re stuck in an elevator?

Oddly enough, I had considered this question long before it actually happened to me. I have a mild fascination with confined spaces. For years whenever I got on an elevator that seemed to take a bit longer than it should to reach my floor my heart would leap with the hope that I would be able to experience the adventure that came with being trapped. I plotted out elaborate escape routes, planning exactly how I would climb up to and break open the little hatch door on the ceiling.

My daydreams never got much further than that since my elevator trips never really took that long. It was just as well though; even in my imagination I don’t have the arm strength to pull myself up an elevator power cord.

Then the day finally came.

By Max C. Bookman

I didn’t hook up with anybody last weekend. I did try, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me. But I did get lucky the weekend before that.

Like many guys, the process started sometime in the middle of the week. Once the sweet light of the weekend begins glowing at the end of the tunnel of the week’s endless obligations of classes, work, and assignments, thoughts of parties and girls become unavoidable.

Sometimes reading The Water Tower inspires our readers to get naked and fight the power. But most of the time, they just send e-mails.

In regard to the article “ Why I Pity My Generation,” I applaud your ability to make remarkably overarching and would-be ominous statements, but get real here.You cannot make a few pop-culture references and expect your edgy point of view to have any relevance.

And don’t start your article with “we are the oddest generation yet” because there is absolutely no way to quantify that statement, and it seems very naïve and ridiculous to assume, let alone publish such a thing.

By Ambrose Pierce, Jr.

Devoted (noun):
Loyal beyond reason, completely committed to a person or idea even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Stubborn. Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney frequently assures supporters that he is devoted to continuing the war in Iraq, despite its current unpopularity among Americans.

School Shooting and Planned Shooting Foiled

Last Wednesday, a 14-year-old Cleveland walked into his high school with two guns and opened fire on classmates and teachers. He wounded two classmates and two teachers before turning his gun on himself.

That night, police in a north Philadelphia suburb raided the home of a 14-year-old boy planning a Columbine-style attack at his high school. Police had responded to a tip from another boy who had rebuffed the recruiting efforts of the teen planning the attack.

By Max C. Bookman

“I can assure you Turkey knows how to play hardball.”

-Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, commenting on Turkey’s removal of its ambassador to the United States. The move was made in response to the possible passage of a bill in Congress that would label the World War I killings of Armenians by Turkish forces as genocide. Turkish PM: “We ain’t no Chickens in Turkey!”

1. It is the perfect weather to stroll through the colorful foliage and have the crunchiness of the leaves drown out the suicidal thoughts echoing in your head after being dumped.

2. After all the leaves fall off all the conifers, you thank God that He made the trees near the Catholic Center on the way to Redstone pine trees to protect your righteous “ toking.”

By Henry Melcher

In the Friday, October 5th New York Times crossword puzzle, “Steroids” is the answer to the “4 down” prompt: “Some athletes shoot them.”

But let us not refer to performance enhancing drugs as “steroids.” Steroids is such an ugly word, evocative of defunct WWE wrestlers like “X-Pac,” Under Armour commercials, rampant backne and shriveled testicles.

By Lea McLellan

I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. He was my best friend and my first love. In addition to crying for two days, eating more peppermint patties than anyone should, and calling my Mom more often than usual, I’ve found a way of coping that’s been strangely helpful. I realized that while my boyfriend and I were together, I convinced myself that he was the only person I had ever dated or had true feelings for. But that isn’t true. While I’m unable to laugh about my most recent relationship, there were some seriously bizarre ones that came before him, and I can definitely laugh about those.

By Nate Bradbury

I don’t watch the news. Nightly news anchors with perfectly coiffed hair and non-descript “American” accents don’t appeal to me. Harrowing tales, fiery crashes, and the adorable Brownie Troop 2647’s fundraiser are packaged into each station’s daily dose of reality to be taken every evening with food - just like a multi-vitamin.

By Ben Silverman

All I hear from the environmentalist kids on campus is the Inconvenient Truth, the end of the world is upon us doctrine, with the four horsemen all riding marching global warming mustangs that only get seven miles to the gallon. But what I’m not hearing are any good solutions. Yes, of course, we have to reduce CO2 emissions and all that fun jazz, but that simply will not be good enough. There will be over 900 new coal/oil power plants built in the next decade, and the CO2 from them alone will completely noll out the effects of the Kyoto treaty, and you can’t stop that. China is becoming a rapidly expanding economic power house with rapidly expanding CO2 needs, and we shouldn’t stop that. So how can we help the situation (and switching to hybrid cars is not going to do jack)?

By Howard Fast

I understand the United States’ war on marijuana. Legalizing marijuana would cost the pharmaceutical industry billions. Thousands of law enforcement jobs would be lost if there were no need to apprehend, prosecute, and incarcerate marijuana users and sellers.

2007 is the Year of the Pig. And not just any pig, the fire pig!

If that’s not an ancient Chinese way of saying Year of the Barbecue, I don’t know what is.

Famous fire pigs include Tennessee Williams, Julie Andrews, David Bowie, and other folks whom I don’t care about.

By Cedric Mac Smith

Everyone loves gimmicky bullshit. That’s why we love election season. We see politicians do things no normal person would do on TV or YouTube, and we either admire them for their integrity, or laugh at their stupidity. It’s all for our entertainment. I mean, who even votes anymore? But when we see the same gimmicks over and over, you have to say to yourself, “Am I the first one to notice this, or am I just stupid?”

Case in point: The Giuliani campaign. “America’s Mayor” was in the middle of addressing the National Rifle Association, and, whoops! It’s the wife calling. Contrary to what 91% of Americans believe to be disrespectful, he answered his phone, told her he was in the middle of speaking, said, “I love you and have a safe flight,” and hung up.

By Lauren Foley

After a certain amount of time in the dorms, a case of the blues is inevitable. Granted, living on campus has its perks. We’re right next to classes. We don’t have to cook. We don’t have to write those dreaded rent checks every month or pay electric or Internet bills. Nonetheless, when I am hanging out at my friends’ apartments, I can’t help but want one of my own, despite the fruit fly infested, overpriced, often robbed, shoddily built structures they may be.

A Day in the Life of: Gavin Jones

Created By Anya Brodrick, Illustration by Alexander Whitehead

This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates the intersection of image-word-mathematics.

12:44 pm: finally roll out of bed. attempts to recall last night’s events, but too many people, too many parties.

1:25 pm: first black cup of coffee. receives text from DJ at party last night, hears of dope underground dance party. considers making an appearance.

1:52 pm: skate[board]s up to campus and decides to head to class, not really to learn anything, but just to ensure ‘being seen’.

By Julia Taddonio

Autumn in Vermont is a marvelous season; the leaves are changing, the sunsets are unbelievable, and I get to bust out my sweet winter hat and stop washing my hair as regularly. Winter’s just around the bend and with every day that passes, the wind seems to pick up a little, the days get shorter, and the window of opportunity to wear sandals and skirts gets smaller and smaller (unless you’re one of those super-heady chicks who wears your skirt over your pants).

By Charles Winkleman

Former Vice-president Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize last week — surprisingly, not for inventing the Internet. This man has truly achieved the American Dream. Vice-President, Oscar-winner, Emmy-winner and now a Nobel Peace Prize; it’s what I like to call the “Ultimate Grand Slam.” Gore joins a pantheon of presidential Nobel Peace Prize winners: Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, Jimmy Carter, and Martin Sheen (wink-wink).

1. Saturday afternoons will not be consumed by repetitive conversations begun with the phrase “I was so blackout last night.”

2. Your diet will evolve from microwave Annie’s Macaroni and Cheese to stove-top Annie’s Macaroni and Cheese.