Crank That Soulja Boy: On Hooking Up
Published October 16, 2007
By Max C. Bookman
I didn’t hook up with anybody last weekend. I did try, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me. But I did get lucky the weekend before that.
Like many guys, the process started sometime in the middle of the week. Once the sweet light of the weekend begins glowing at the end of the tunnel of the week’s endless obligations of classes, work, and assignments, thoughts of parties and girls become unavoidable.
See, there’s a difference between an innocent hope to hook up and actually trying to get it done. When a guy decides that he’s going to make a serious effort to get some come Friday, a list of options unfolds in his mind. It’s something equivalent to the football standings on the sports page.
In first place that week was Caitlin. She’s a girl from sociology who sits with me and laughs at all my jokes. I got her number on Thursday, and she told me to call it immediately so she could have mine. Perfect. Plus, she let me know “my friend is coming up from Boston, tonight so we’re gonna get like, completely wasted tomorrow.” Even better. She has my number, and she’s got a friend who is looking to have an unaccountable weekend of carefree blackout festivities!
“Girls’ and
guys’
drive to
hook up and
have sex
is generally equal.
But girls are
socialized at a young age to avoid getting hurt by men and to not become a slut.”
It looked promising, but no guy who is seriously trying to get some will throw all his chips in the pot just because he’s holding a straight. What if Caitlin doesn’t pick up the phone when I call? What if she has a boyfriend? Even worse, what if she thinks that we’re “just good friends.” Shudder. A backup is absolutely necessary.
The chances of hooking up with girl number two are never as high. But there’s still hope. My second place winner was Samantha. I don’t have class with her, but she lives somewhere in my building complex, and we both love the Doors. We always talk about the ridiculous events of the weekend but never go out together. She does always say that I should “totally call if there’s a party you know of.”
Even if you did work hard all week, it is very likely that your plans may unravel by the weekend. On Friday night, Caitlin and Samantha were “really sick,” “just having chill night with the girls,” and simply ignoring my calls (lame). Annoying, yes, but not a cause for despair. It was time to switch gears and shoot for the wildcard - the completely random hookup.
I threw on the new kicks (fire-red Converse), a fresh pair of jeans, and a clean navy-blue shirt from the Gap. It’s getting cold, so a jacket is necessary to weather the walk. Then it’s down to a party.
Sick parties seem harder to come by this year. There’ve been plenty of duds; the ones where you walk in on a few people you don’t know watching TV and passing around a bong. Turn around and walk out- those are no place to get some.
And there’ve been quite a few sardine ragers, the ones that are packed so tight that the pong signup list looks more like the attendance sheet for a Philosophy 001 lecture. When there’s not enough room between people for you to lift your beer to your mouth, the girls are going to be more concerned with keeping track of their friends and getting through the bathroom line than hooking up with you. Besides, Burlington or UVM’s finest will probably sniff the place out before you even have the chance to say “hey, weren’t we in the same orientation group?”
But on Friday the gods were on our side, and we arrived at a good party. Now the work begins. First order of business: get beer. Once that’s out of the way, it’s time to scope out the situation. Avoid the girl who is staggering around double-wielding red cups. She’s too wasted - that’s cheating. Also, forget about the girl who always seems to have five guys around her. Too aggravating. But the two girls scanning the room from the corner do look promising.
I’ve found that tag-team flirting works the best, so I got my roommate, and we started talking. The first few seconds of the conversation are the most crucial, but if played right, it’s smooth sailing from there. It doesn’t really matter what you talk about, as long as its not about your killer collection of Star Wars memorabilia.
My roommate was on his game, so he left with the hotter of the two (damn him!) to refill their cups. I asked the remaining girl if she wanted to go dance, which of course she did. I hate dancing. I hate it so much, and I’m pretty bad at it. But that’s not the point - the idea is that you’re willing to do it, and most girls dig that. Plus, Soulja Boy was playing, and the four cups of keg PBR got me itching to Crank That.
After a few songs, it was time to start making moves. “It’s pretty hot in here, do you wanna go outside for a cigarette?” “I don’t smoke,” she replied. Shit! It could have been game over right there, but she came outside anyway as I poured tasty whale vomit and tar down into my lungs. That’s a promising sign. If she wasn’t feeling me, she would have run off to the bathroom or to a more attractive male friend by now. Once I finished my butt, it was time for the moment of truth. “This party is getting kinda lame, do you wanna get out of here?”
“Sure.”
Yes! Hallelujah! Victory!
A friend of mine once carefully shared with me a revelation of his. “Dude, gay guys must be having sex all the time, because guys are always horney and they don’t have to deal with trying to get girls to give it up.” But I think the logic behind his statement was wrong as it was crude.
Girls’ and guys’ drive to hook up and have sex is generally equal. But girls are socialized at a young age to avoid getting hurt by men and to not become a slut, and are constantly reminded of this through television and friends. With these thoughts in the back (or front) of their minds, it takes a little extra convincing before jumping into bed. Because of this, guys associate a value of conquest with getting girls to take that extra step in overcoming fears of deception and promiscuity. That can be difficult for some girls, so when it seems like she just doesn’t want to have sex with you, she may just be waiting for you to convince her to. It is surely a double standard, but it’s here to stay.
Sadly, getting some is not always as easy as I had it that night. As I said, sometimes it’s just not in the cards. Plus, my drive to go out and hook up seems to freeze with the coming of winter. It’s just too cold outside to go looking for a party that gets instantly busted. If only the drinking laws weren’t so insane. But that’s another story.
“Good job,” said my roommate when I told him about my success. Samantha sent me a text message Sunday night apologizing for ignoring my calls. Apparently, she had gotten “too wasted to function.” Yeah, whatever - I got some anyway.
Print This Article
« Comic: On Hooking Up | Elevated Terror: One Girl’s Shocking True Story »
Comments
Leave a Reply
