Serving You The News In Brief

Published October 16, 2007

By Max C. Bookman

“I can assure you Turkey knows how to play hardball.”

-Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, commenting on Turkey’s removal of its ambassador to the United States. The move was made in response to the possible passage of a bill in Congress that would label the World War I killings of Armenians by Turkish forces as genocide. Turkish PM: “We ain’t no Chickens in Turkey!”

“I was told that there was a black gun that they pulled out of the Range Rover.”

-Raquel White, a witness to the recent arrest of rapper T.I. in Atlanta. T.I. was caught buying three machine guns and two silencers to add to the arsenal of weapons found in a walk-in safe in his bedroom. The famous rapper is barred from owning weapons as a result of an old felony drug conviction. Guess he forgot All About That.

“He hit him in the face, and gave him a black eye.”

-Comments from a police officer who arrived at a Wal-Mart amidst a brawl between delivery men from Coke and Pepsi. Apparently, the two drivers arrived at the store at the same time, when a verbal confrontation turned into a fight that involved throwing bottles of soda across the parking lot. A sad new twist on an old rivalry.

“We will never copy the Western model of political system.”

-Li Dongsheng, spokesman for the Communist Party’s 17th congress. The congress, which meets every five years, is the most important political meeting in China. Opened on Monday, there is widespread speculation that this congress will enact new economic reforms as well as possible political reforms. Not on the agenda: Improve quality of shitty exports.

“Fauxcellarm.”

-Term coined by the growing field of research looking into the modern phenomenon of feeling the vibration of a cell phone when there is none. Researchers compare the sensation to an amputee’s feeling of his amputated leg. The theory is that cell phones have become such an integral part of society, our brains have come to accept them as part of our bodies. Wtf.

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