Serving You The News In Brief

Published October 23, 2007

Max C. Bookman

“If [aliens] come over here, what would you do?”

-Question asked by a young child to presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani during a campaign event. Giuliani, whose campaign is centered around the former mayor’s competence in handling terrorist attacks, jumped at the opportunity to assure Americans that he would be prepared for an alien attack. Jack Nicholson in Mars Attacks?

“We cannot be spending the international reserves of this country on whiskey.”

-Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez, defending the astronomical rise in price for cigarettes and alcohol in Venezuela. The tax is part of an effort to raise the morals of the South American country. And of course, this dictator knows all about morals.

“We are furious.”

-Tibet’s Communist Party boss, Zhang Qingli, expressing China’s current outrage with the Bush administration for presenting the Congressional Gold Medal to the Dali Lama, Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader. China considers the Dali Lama a threat to the stability of its occupation of Tibet, where his celebrity has sparked bumper stickers like “I Wanna Be The Dali Lama’s Baby Momma.”

“It is now time for the New York Yankees to move forward.”

-Yankees president Randy Levine, on the end of Joe Torre’s 12-season tenure with the ball club. In the seven years since their last world series victory, the Yankees have spent over $1 billion, which is about the price of two hotdogs and a beer at Yankee Stadium. So long, Joe!

“Dumbledore is gay.”

-Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, on the sexual orientation of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of the boarding school Hogwarts. The revelation came during a question and answer session between fans and the author. Dressing up in adorable capes and cute hats? Figures.

Print This Article

Comments