A Lesson for the Modern Villain and/or Student

By Alex Townsend

Halloween is fast approaching and it’s time to talk about the thing that matters: the raw power of evil laughter. This isn’t a message directed just at the aspiring mad scientists, demonic beings, and evil overlords of the UVM community. No, anyone can benefit from the advantages of a good maniacal chuckle.

Let’s begin with a study of technique. When it comes to finding a laugh to go with twirling your mustache there are many paths to choose from. For instance, some like to go with a simple “Heh heh heh, heh-heh.” That’s all well and good for the beginner who’s tying damsels to railroad tracks or single-handedly taking up all the good chairs at the Cyber Café. You can do better than that. The main techniques for sinister snicker-ers after that can generally be split into two groups: the “Muahahaha!”s and the “Buwahahaha!”s.

By Ben Silverman
Illustration by Erin Daigle

Like synthesizers and S&M in the middle 80s, television Cop Dramas are spreading across our cultural universe bringing with them a miasmic wave of sadism and masochism.

I mean, is there anything more sadistic then these 21st-century Dragnet knock-offs, painting an idealized and fantasized view of the criminal justice system where self-righteous cops always catch their man? And the robbers are always the embodiment of evil in the form of a minority, or at best just a kid who made some wrong decisions and whose time in the pokey can only do him good?

Sometimes reading The Water Tower inspires our readers to get naked and fight the power. But most of the time, they just send e-mails.

“I just don’t understand why so many people read and talk about your paper. I mean, I get more use out of the Water Tower lining the bottom of my birdcage (I have three parrots) than actually getting news. The Water Tower is offensive and cynical, and your articles don’t make any sense.

By Ambrose Pierce, Jr.

Celebrity (noun) – Person whose fame and charisma allow others to look past shortcomings such as lack of experience and broad policy initiatives. Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama’s celebrity status has won him wide support, especially among young people, based solely on name recognition.

By Max C. Bookman

“I will be rooting for the Red Sox.”

-Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani, in his most recent gaffe, declaring his support for the Red Sox last week. The comment caused a stir among many New Yorkers, who are aware of Giuliani’s longtime allegiance to the Yankees. Next flip-flop: “Go Al-Qaeda!”

By Max C. Bookman

So the SGA shot down the Red Cross bill (.doc file). It would have kicked the group off campus for adhering to the national Red Cross’ policy to not accept blood donations from men who have had sex with other men.

But I think the bill didn’t go far enough. I’m angry at the Red Cross’ policy. I’m pissed off at how intolerant they are. I think I hate them. Who cares that this is an organization that selflessly lends its hand to those in need, providing assistance to the homeless, sheltering flood victims, giving away blood, standing on the front lines of the California wildfire, and doing whatever it can for regular people in unfortunate situations.

I hate the Red Cross so much, my bill won’t just kick them off campus, but remove everything that has to do with them too!

Townhall.com is a conservative response to the numerous liberal blog sites. For the most part, the site serves its stated purpose well. However, Michael Medved posted an article entitled “Six Inconvenient Truths about the U.S. and Slavery” on September 29th that goes way off the deep end.

By Peter Philip

College has left my identity inextricably tied to headphones. It has even become a name I respond to, which made me wonder about the power of the headphone. Surely, I am not the only one walking around campus, lost in whatever I’m listening to, but now that my headphones are broken (along with my iPod) I have a heightened awareness. This awareness not only enables me to see all the people avoiding reality with music, but more importantly how I had avoided the same thing when I had the comfort of ‘phones.

By Lauren Foley

When we were kids, Halloween was all about the costumes and the candy. Weeks were spent contemplating that one special costume. Conversations were devoted to such topics as the pros and cons of the pink power ranger versus the green power ranger. Pumpkins were carved, jack-o-lanterns lit, and face paint caked on.

As we got older, we got smarter. Routes were planned in order to attain the largest bounty of candy. In rare cases, multiple
towns were hit up if trick or treating happened to fall on a different night. Our lives were simple then, and our intentions pure. We only tripped up occasionally by dumping a whole bowl of candy into our bags, chuckling at the neatly written,
“One Per Trick-or-Treater” sign. Nonetheless, we saw Halloween as pure, unadulterated, and untainted fun. It wasn’t until we got to college that this innocent holiday got so corrupted.

By Nate Bradbury

Late October brings with it a healthy dose of fright. Try as you might, it is unusual for the capers and fright surrounding Halloween to be isolated in one night. Many students will have already celebrated All Hallows Eve by the time they read this. They will also be blissfully unaware of the deadly pandemic-in-waiting that may be sweeping the nation.

Tales of a deadly, new strain of antibiotic-resistant bacteria are popping up across the country. In the past two weeks, school districts in six states (including Pennsylvania and northern New York) have faced sick and possibly dying students, frightened parents, and school closings. More cases could have gone unreported. This could be the plague for the 21st century.

The Champion of Truthiness Steps into the Political Arena

By Alex Townsend

For years many have been arguing that the government and most of America’s politics are just one big joke. Many a comedian has made a career out of mocking our administration, but one man, Stephen T. Colbert, has taken it even further. Yes, as of last week this famous and infamous parody pundit and host of the popular Colbert Report, officially announced that he was going to run for the presidency of the United States.

By Henry Melcher

In the ratty bathroom of my ramshackle junior year apartment, to balance the toilet seat’s encrusted pubic whiskers and shower’s metastasized mold, my roommates hung an illustrated map of Aruba. Their hope was that maybe a tropical image could overshadow the sink’s eight o’clock shadow, accumulated from unrinsed shavings of facial whiskers. Much to my chagrin, the map detailed the island’s commercial appeal- it served as a restaurant or kitsch souvenir shop locater and with the coastline’s exception, failed to reference any actual geographic features. I scrawled “conspicuous consumption” across its bottom so that its consent of gross consumerism wouldn’t remain unchallenged.

Created By Anya Brodrick
Illustration by Torrey Valyou

This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates the intersection of image-word-mathematics.

A Halloween Night In the Lives of
Allie Smith & Josh Murphy

Allie Smith:

8:31 am: Wakes up for class, looks over costume one more time before catching the bus.

11:58 am: Impatiently fidgets in boring Poli-Sci lecture. Begins intense text convo on why classes should be canceled the Friday of Halloween weekend.

By Anya Brodrick

I first got Joni Mitchell’s Blue on vinyl and honestly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Of course, I had heard of Joni Mitchell (I mean, who hasn’t?) but I never actually listened to her. Ten tracks of melancholic, beautifully simple, and evocative music is what I got. I’m not sure if it’s her voice, the simple guitar/piano accompaniment she uses, or the moving lyrics that draws me to her, but it’s safe to say that this is one of the best albums to listen to as we revel in the last glory days of fall and descend into the dreary and bitter winter.

I like this album because not only can you listen to it when the sun is shining and the last leaves are whirling around (thinking about what’s to come…) but also when you’re sitting by a window, looking out at the rain. The album starts off with “All I Want”, with Mitchell listing the things she wants to do (write a love letter, knit a sweater, shampoo her love, talk to him…) all while previously stating “Oh I hate you some/I love you some.” It’s super personal and obviously Mitchell is drawing from her own life, but she’s so encompassing about it that you can relate to it no matter what’s going on in your own life.

By Lea McLellan

Radiohead fans will appreciate their new album, In Rainbows, for its energy and the strange (in a good way) sound we’ve all come to know and love. They will also undoubtedly appreciate the fact that they can pay as much or as little as they choose to download all ten tracks. Radiohead has made the bold move of putting out their latest album without a record label. They continued to stick it to the music industry by letting fans name their own price for the download. (For hardcore fans with cash, the deluxe boxed set costs forty dollars.)