Be a Master of Fright!

Published October 30, 2007

A Lesson for the Modern Villain and/or Student

By Alex Townsend

Halloween is fast approaching and it’s time to talk about the thing that matters: the raw power of evil laughter. This isn’t a message directed just at the aspiring mad scientists, demonic beings, and evil overlords of the UVM community. No, anyone can benefit from the advantages of a good maniacal chuckle.

Let’s begin with a study of technique. When it comes to finding a laugh to go with twirling your mustache there are many paths to choose from. For instance, some like to go with a simple “Heh heh heh, heh-heh.” That’s all well and good for the beginner who’s tying damsels to railroad tracks or single-handedly taking up all the good chairs at the Cyber Café. You can do better than that. The main techniques for sinister snicker-ers after that can generally be split into two groups: the “Muahahaha!”s and the “Buwahahaha!”s.

Both of these laughs have several variations, but more importantly they both have their strong points. Traditionally Buwahahaha is used by evil witch-doctors, surgeons gone mad, or dentists when they tell you your wisdom teeth need to come out. Today though, Buwahahaha can be used by any student on the go. It’s the perfect thing to cackle while pointing out a typo on a test, chasing seagulls around the green, or even just when you’re sitting alone in a shady corner.

Muahahaha is a bit different though. It is a laugh most commonly associated with the business world and tyrannical overlords. So, if you live in Castle Grey skull or have a company named after you, you’re probably already familiar with this playful expression of power. As for the plebeians out there, don’t worry! You don’t actually need enormous amounts of money to use Mwahahaha; you just have to pretend you do!

For instance, the next time a professor gives you a less than spectacular grade say something like this: “I own two thirds of this school now; are you sure you want to risk displeasing me?”, “Remember, for every point you deduct from me I’ll hire another man to kill you,” or even “You displease me. Prepare for the worst tax audit of your life.” Naturally all of these retorts should be immediately followed by a hearty Muahahaha. It should get effective results, unless your professor can out-evil you.

All of these situations prove that maniacal laughter can be useful, but did you know it can also be fun? While any scholar of nefarious deeds should know what laugh is proper for which situation it can be even better if your terrifying mirth is completely out of place. Try it right now; pretend you’re about to dismember someone or something. It feels good, doesn’t it? It’s your own private way of saying to the people around you, “You don’t know it, but everything you’re doing is falling right into my grand master plan! Buwahahaha!”

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