Devil’s Dictionary 2008 – The Circus Edition
Published November 6, 2007
By Max C. Bookman
Circus (noun) - A traveling company of entertainers, especially wild animals and clowns, that regularly performs before a bewildered audience. Example: Johnny is sick and tired of this 2008 election circus. If they stage one more debate, he’s going to throw up.
November may mean first snow, Thanksgiving break, and Christmas shopping to you, but for politicians and political junkies, the coming of November means one thing: Election Day!
This month, voters from across America will come out and vote for their favorite candidate for President of the United States. After more than a year of campaigning, the time has come. Finally, we will all get the answer to the question that has been on the minds of every American: Is J-Lo really pregnant? Well, besides that, we’ll find out who will become the next president!
Wait. It’s only 2007, you say? We still have to wait another entire year until we choose the new tenant of the Oval Office? Another year of debates, backstabbing, bickering, debates, speeches, scandals, and debates? Good Lord, something is seriously messed up here.
I don’t remember Bill Clinton having to sing and dance in front of a camera for more than a year before the primaries even began. Granted, I don’t remember much of anything from 1992, but the bottom line is that he didn’t have to. No presidential election in history has jumped to full throttle faster than the 2008 election.
In fact, talk of 2008 began almost immediately after Bush’s re-election in 2004. While it would be easy to pass this ‘08 fervor off for America’s anxiety to be done with Dubyah (441 days), the reality has nothing to do with the current president.
The cause of this long election cycle is the result of some poor scheduling foresight on the part of state Democratic and Republican national comittees. The result is Super Duper Tuesday.
Super Duper Tuesday (noun) - February 5, 2008. Not a sequel to the ESPN program. Date scheduled for an unprecedented 20 states to hold their presidential primaries. Result of state party leaders’ annoying hopes of bolstering the importance of their state. Royally screws up the election system. Example: Thanks to Super Duper Tuesday, we’ll know that Hillary Clinton is the Democratic nominee much sooner!
The primary elections are the semifinals of the White House World Cup. Multiple candidates vie for their party’s nomination, so that they may continue to face the opposing party’s nominee in the general election. The dates for each primary election vary by state and by party.
The Constitution does not mandate primaries. In the 1800’s, primary elections were non-existent. Party bosses would make deals in classic “smoke filled rooms,” choosing their candidate without any public consultation. Even as some states began holding primaries and caucuses, candidates could still forgo competition in any of them, and still win the nomination with the blessing of those influential political elites. Eventually, that system gave way to the current one.
Way back in the mid and late 20th century, state primaries were somewhat evenly distributed. This allowed candidates to stagger their efforts and focus their attention state by state. The process was conducted on the state and local level, free of the constant national spotlight common today.
The root of today’s problem begins with some state primaries holding more importance than others. The Iowa caucus and the New Hampshire primary, the first two states to hold elections, have always been influential indicators of a candidate’s support.
Enter frontloading. By the end of the primary season, each party’s winner is usually apparent. Certain states at the end of the cycle grew annoyed with the relative unimportance of their primaries, which were usually overlooked by candidates and the media.
Like younger brothers, they cried, “look at me, pay attention to me!” Well, they got their wish. Twenty states are now holding their primary on the same Super Duper day in February. Not only does this constitute the largest simultaneous primary election in history, but it is taking place an ample nine months before the election. That’s enough time for a drunken post-Super Duper Tuesday fiesta mistake to make it into this world before Election Day!
Now that the primaries are no longer evenly distributed, candidates can’t waste their resources focusing on one state at a time. They must establish a national presence very early on. Instead of serious grassroots campaigning where people in an individual state get the chance to personally meet and understand the candidates, we have seen the explosion of political celebrities. With the increasingly diminishing opportunity for state-specific campaigning, more voters must make their decisions based on the popular understanding of the candidate.
This gives the media serious power to frame which candidate deserves to be taken seriously and which has no chance. Maybe if Democratic long shot Mike Gravel had the time to come to Vermont and speak to you about his views, you’d vote for him in the primary. But the media has given him very little spotlight, so a man with some legitimate and progressive ideas is shuffled aside to make way for Clinton and Obama.
What do you even know about Barack Obama beyond the color of his skin and his vague “vision for a new America?” What do you know about Hillary Clinton beyond her lack of a Y chromosome and promise for change?
In order to build this celebrity national image, candidates require extensive support rallies, television ads, and debate appearances, which in turn require money. Lots and lots of money. 2008 election expenditures are expected to top an unprecedented $1 billion dollars. Candidates who can raise these obscene amounts of money become the top contenders, and those who cant, well, look at Mr. Gravel.
Because so much money must be raised so early, we are witnessing the birth of the perpetual campaign season. One endless debate follows another, and the rhetoric gets more and more vicious. Surely, after more than a year of shaking hands, talking to reporters, and begging for money, our candidates have become sleepless, stressed out zombies.
The prospect for another year of such garbage undoubtedly intensifies the migraines and darkens the bags under their eyes. Whoever takes the Oval Office in 2008 will have very little time to breathe before preparing for 2012.
No matter how hard they try to prove their credentials as just a regular ole’ Joe (or Sue), our next president will enter the White House coming off of more than two years of a grueling campaign, and all the hell that it entails. Definitely not your next door neighbor. Do we really want to pile this level of stress on top of the already-stressful position that the leader of the free world must bear?
Super Duper Tuesday has made a super duper mess. It has substituted progressive ideas with serious cash, governing skills with campaign prowess, and substance with celebrity. It has bolstered the power of the media, inflated the need for money, and erased the lines between governance and campaigning.
The primary season has been reduced to an endless act so scripted, so dramatic, so ridiculous, it rivals the likes of Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey. And like any marathon, there’s no end in sight.
Marathon (noun) - A terribly long race of numerous competitors. Not only does the winner leave physically exhausted, having outrun all other opponents, but mentally fatigued, having endured the intensity of the race. Example: It is best not to run a marathon before making important decisions, especially if you are President of the United States.
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