Tri-Factor: The Small Time Drug Dealer

Published November 13, 2007
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Created by Anya Brodrick with help from Andrew DeTullio, Illustration by Alexander Whitehead

A Day in the life of Jimmy Gnuggly

1:00 pm - Wakes up, checks both cell phones. Eight missed calls on his Prepaid Trac Fone from possible clients, one missed call from his mother on the other.

1:17 pm - Puts on Life After Death, listens to “ Ten Crack Commandments” twice because he needs a refresher on the laws of “Hustlin’”

2:15 pm - Skips his Drugs and Society class because he’s learned everything he needs to know about drugs from ‘da streets.

2:27 pm - His boy comes over with a fresh quap of outdoors, several bowls get smoked- they decide to dub it “Jerry Bear” in an attempt to charge freshmen for “dank headies.” Reminisce about the time their friend had his scale in the wrong mode and everyone got phat sacks.

4:00-6:35 pm - Gets a couple phone calls, makes house calls, unloads product, a few more bowls get smoked along the way. He and a new customer get into a discussion about the crackdown by both Burlington police and how now UVM police have authority off-campus. Intense paranoia ensues.

6:46 pm- Walks down to New World where one of his boys hooks it up with a dope burrito.

7:07 pm - Calls up some feisty chick from his World Religion class about chilling and maybe watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, he totally believes that Hunter S. Thompson did all those drugs.

7:21 pm - Kicks sleeping roommate who is faded on tons of pharmies off of the couch and cleans the place up a bit. Puts tapestry over couch to make room chiller.

8:43 pm- Feisty Chick Michaela comes over, he tries to impress her with his $500 color changing bubbler that he got a sick deal on at Good Times. They discuss the muddy time they spent at Phish’s last concert in the deep wilderness a few years ago (they didn’t know each other then, but they realize they did end up smoking together) and how he ate some mysterious drug called “Blue Goo.” He then remembers how he got trench foot from not wearing shoes all week.

11:20 pm- Too baked for anything to happen with him and Michaela, but he goes to bed with a not too shabby $275 in his wallet.

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