By Alex Townsend
You know what’s sexy? Well, dentists sometimes, but that’s not what I was thinking about. No, today’s sexy thing is bisexuals. Sure, most bisexuals are probably normal people like everyone else and not creatures of insatiable lust (I hope so anyway. I may be bi myself, but I really don’t have the time for non-stop orgies), but wouldn’t it be nice to pretend they are? That’s why I was so excited to hear about
MTV’s new-ish show:
A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. After all, nothing illustrates the pretend like reality TV.
For those of you staring at the page with blank, bored eyes, let me expand your pop culture gland.
Tila Tequila is a model whose main claim to fame is her popularity on MySpace (She has
one million friends! She’s the most wonderful person ever! [Editor’s note: Now she has over two million friends]) and she has recently come out as bisexual. Now she wants to find her One True Love and the folks at MTV want to help. Because they care.
Sometimes reading The Water Tower inspires out readers to get naked and fight the power. But most of the time, they just send e-mails.
In striving to be “idealists devoted to rationalism”, writers of The Water Tower are responsible for a certain degree of journalistic integrity. The recent cover article released in the November 13 issue titled, “
Iraq the Land of Rainbows and Unicorns” contains numerous inaccuracies and exaggerations. It is understood that the writers of The Water Tower “employ satire” in order to make arguments more convincing. Was this article intended to be taken as a joke or satire? If it was, it was certainly not clear to everyone that this was the case.
By Max C. Bookman
“Morally, you are Pygmies.”
-Representative
Tom Lantos (D-California) to
Yahoo CEO
Jerry Yang during a three-hour Capitol Hill ass-kicking fest last week. Lantos reprimanded Yahoo for providing information to the Chinese government that lead to the arrest of
Shi Tao, a Chinese citizen nabbed for sending an e-mail noting the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre. Pygmies immediately created a Yahoo group to protest the comparison.
By Alex Pinto
Right now, the Muslim state of
Pakistan is not a democracy. Effective November 3rd of this year, President
Pervez Musharraf’s
decree of Emergency Rule blacked out nearly all media, placed the President in complete control of the military, and allowed the government to arrest thousands of opposition protesters as they rally against both the emergency rule and the biased selection of supreme court justices by Musharraf. Musharraf continues to insist that personal, power-related motives are not involved in his decision to decree emergency rule, saying that the measures are necessary to resolve the internal strife in Pakistan.
UVM is about to explode with apprehension. You can feel the tension in the air; so thick, a Thanksgiving carving knife couldn’t cut it. The hair is everywhere.
Rite Aid hasn’t sold a single razor in three weeks. There is one question burning on the minds of students and professors alike:
Who will win the Water Tower Beardvember Competition?
This is the week that everyone has been waiting for. The days of November are washing away like shavings down the drain. Send in a picture of your beard this week for a chance to win. The winning beards will be proudly displayed in next week’s edition of the Water Tower.
We have all come this far, now comes the home stretch. Godspeed.
Grappling with a Rapidly Changing Campus
By Max C. Bookman
The school administration would like you to know that they are building UVM. Actually, they have been for quite a while now. I guess that means
President Fogel and I have something in common, because I love to build stuff too.
I mostly build sandcastles. North Beach, Nauset Beach, Jones, Wildwood, you name it, my castles have graced their sands. Sandcastles are fun to build because they are limited by nothing but imagination. They can be ridiculous, magnificent, or unrealistic. Poorly-designed sections can be crushed and built anew. The sand can be constantly re-shaped and re-molded to the builder’s liking.
By Julia Taddonio
You’re exhausted. You’re sitting in the car with that weird girl you carpool with from your hometown, trying to make it back to Burlington before dark. Or better yet you’re sitting in a narrow airplane seat (but be grateful it’s a window seat!) Chances are the plane’s been chilling for the past forty minutes “due to a higher than usual congested runway,” and it’ll be another thirty minutes before it budges an inch.
So you curse
Delta, and you curse yourself as you try to get comfortable in an uncomfortable chair, and undo the top button of your pants because they haven’t fit quite the same since Thanksgiving dinner. You lean your cheek against the chilly window and you wish you were wearing sweatpants- that you hadn’t over-indulged during Thanksgiving and dominated the garlic mashed potatoes all through dinner, and during desert, and again during after-dinner coffee.
By Lea McLellan
I finally came home and it’s just as I thought it would be-pretty much the same.
Stop & Shop is still the place to go if you want to see everybody’s mom, the creepy bank guy is as creepy as ever, and my house is still filled with pets, brothers, and the familiar mess that goes with them.
There was never a whole lot to do in my town. There still isn’t, but I wasn’t too worried. I figured I would be content with relaxing and seeing my family and I was right. In between family time, I slept really late, caught up on all the TV I’d missed, and ignored all the schoolwork that awaited me in Burlington. It was nice, but after two days of relaxation, I had had enough. Since I wasn’t about to do homework, I decided I seriously needed to call up my long lost high school friends.
By Lauren Foley
Ever notice how anyone who has a Macintosh computer is incredibly smug about their electronic wealth, as if they had hit the technological lottery with a product such as
Apple? Granted, I am not at all satisfied with my PC. It freezes all the time, refuses to play music without skipping, and routinely requires visits to the infamous university
computer depot.
Despite all this, I nonetheless remain loyal to my
Dell. My loyalty is the only thing that will save me from becoming another one of those Apple People who display their laptops at
Starbucks like celebrities display their children: as fashion accessories.
Created by Anya Brodrick, Illustration by Alexander Whitehead
This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates the intersection of image-word-mathematics.
A Day in the life of Deardra Mullen
3:39 am:
Poli Sci paper isn’t close to being done yet. Looks like no sleep again tonight. Nothing an extra large coffee at Henderson’s can’t handle.
9:05 am: Take on-campus bus to class. Casually talks or say hi to almost every person on bus.
9:30 am: Professor is lecturing about sports and mass media, which reminds her about free showing of documentary sponsored by Senior Class Council and the women’s Volleyball Team; raises her hand to make sure everyone in class knows.
By Lea McLellan I was sick of pink plastic sunglasses, happy teeth stickers, and having nothing to read but Highlights Magazine while I waited for the lady at my pediatric dentist’s office to mispronounce my name. Hello — I’m in college now. Happy teeth be damned.
After my last visit, I made my decision — a dental hygienist would never ask me what color sparkly toothbrush I wanted ever again. So the only logical thing for me to do was to complain my way to the grown-up dentist. When I arrived for my first adult appointment, I took note of Time magazine on the coffee table. Finally. This is where I belonged. A woman in gray (not rainbow kitty cat) scrubs called my name and she even said it right! This was going to be good.
RSS Feed
