A Shot If Bi Land, Two Bi TV: It’s New, Sexy, Edgy, and Cool!

Published November 27, 2007

By Alex Townsend

You know what’s sexy? Well, dentists sometimes, but that’s not what I was thinking about. No, today’s sexy thing is bisexuals. Sure, most bisexuals are probably normal people like everyone else and not creatures of insatiable lust (I hope so anyway. I may be bi myself, but I really don’t have the time for non-stop orgies), but wouldn’t it be nice to pretend they are? That’s why I was so excited to hear about MTV’s new-ish show: A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. After all, nothing illustrates the pretend like reality TV.

For those of you staring at the page with blank, bored eyes, let me expand your pop culture gland. Tila Tequila is a model whose main claim to fame is her popularity on MySpace (She has one million friends! She’s the most wonderful person ever! [Editor’s note: Now she has over two million friends]) and she has recently come out as bisexual. Now she wants to find her One True Love and the folks at MTV want to help. Because they care.

So now we get to the sexy part. Tila likes men AND women and now she gets to have a show where sixteen men and sixteen women compete in a series of important competitions to try and win her heart. In the first episode we get to meet all our manly men (all, presumably, straight) and lovely, lesbian lasses. They all meet Tila and pretend to be shocked that she’s not straight/gay, even though her bi-ness has apparently been on her famous MySpace page for several months now. After they all settle down the battle for a shot at love begins!

Now, this is where the show starts to lose me. The competitions the contestants go through have two common threads. First of all, they’re all very sexualized. Sure this is MTV, but even this is a bit much. Every single one of Tila’s outfits has a sexy low cut, to the point where I think she’s afraid her cleavage will disappear if she can’t see it. Maybe you just have to have a sexy referee outfit when you’re hosting a cream pie-licking contest, cheering your suitors on by marching back and forth and yelling “Woo! Lick my pie!”

The second thing these games have in common is that they’re stupid. The pie-licking one is a great example, and they really don’t get any better than that. Are these competitions that Tila thought up herself to test for important skills in her potential lover?

“Verily, it dost not matter if my love be of man or woman, but it is of the utmost importance that he or she be capable of blowing up an inflatable doll, running through tires, and climbing a rubber slide. And it must be done quickly to win my heart!” I also don’t understand why Tila talks like she just stepped out of The Canterbury Tales, but whatever floats your boat.

But what about the contestants? What sort of folks are they? Well, most of them don’t exactly seem like the cream of the crop. I’d think that since Tila is supposed to be a freshly outed bisexual that she’d want her contestants to be open-minded to the type of person she is. Apparently that’s just starry-eyed idealism though.

When Tila makes her big bi announcement the men all either look grossed out or they do hip thrusts, warming up for the hot three-ways that must be on the way. They check out the women like pieces of meat and throughout the show manage to go through an impressive number of clichés and stereotypes. Did you know that lesbians just need a good screwin’ to see the error of their ways? Also, lesbians aren’t really women; their appropriate title is he-shes. I was surprised that none of the men said anything about butches’ being gross; sadly, the lipstick lesbians managed to fill that gap. Clearly, it is a crime against nature to be female and not wear high heels.

In fact, the women contestants, in general, didn’t exactly show up the men. They didn’t seem to really mind that Tila “swings both ways,” but apparently, if you’re a lady who loves ladies, men are absolutely disgusting.

Several of the female contestants ranted at the camera at how gross these guys were, one even threatened to shove a stiletto heel up a guy’s ass. Really, you can listen to what the women say if you want, but it boils down to “Hey, did you know I’m a lesbian? I’m totally a lesbian. I’m such a lesbian that anything male makes me queasy. Men are abominations of nature. All lesbians feel this way and that’s how you know I’m a lesbian. Also, Tila’s hot.”

Alright, I’ll admit it. The hook intrigued me, and it really could have been ground breaking since this is the first semi-well-known TV show that focuses on the romantic life of a bisexual. But I’m disappointed in the show. It’s just turned into another excuse to show ‘real’ drama, skimpy clothes, and hot chicks making out (which Tila makes a point to do two or three times an episode). It re-enforces the idea that normal straight men have to act like players who want to screw every woman in sight, that lesbians are man-hating bitches, and that bi folks are so horny that they’ll go for anyone who holds still long enough.

In the end, A Shot at Love is a show that’s pretending to be edgy and different, but instead it’s just playing into the status quo. MTV knows that women bisexuals are sexy and girl-on-girl action is always a plus, but would they ever make a show where the bisexual was a man? It seems unlikely. A Shot at Love with Conner Cocktail would be a show brimming with ‘gay stuff’, the most terrifying thing known to man. Thank goodness MTV is such a sensible network that sticks to the familiar parade of drama and half-naked women.

I think I need a drink.

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