By Lea McLellan

Nothing embodies the holiday spirit quite like Black Friday. It’s a whole made-up holiday dedicated to the celebration of consumerism and Christmas joy at the same time. There are moms fighting over Pizza Elmos (Elmo sings a silly song and so does the pizza!!), teens elbowing for iPods, and all the hardcore shoppers camping out in front of Best Buy at three o’clock in the morning.

Why do they do it? Well, because they want to show their loved ones how much they love them by getting them the biggest, best, most impressive presents. Plus, have you seen the sales?! Duh! It’s like hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, snow angels, and Frosty the Snowman’s button nose all stuffed into one wonderful stocking.

In the December 4 “Serving You the News in Brief,” section of the Water Tower, Max Bookman incorrectly stated Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul’s position on abortion. Congressman Paul is not pro-choice.

By Mac Smith

There’s a problem when people are able to entirely distance themselves from events that occur in this country. We’ve all read in history books about the rise of Fascism in the ‘30s but believe that we are too politically mature to let something like that happen again. We (or at least some of us, I hope) have read dystopian novels like 1984 and Fahrenheit 451 and marveled at the disturbing atmospheres fiction can create. We saw Pakistan under martial law and thanked whomever it is we thank that it’s not us. But what if history is repeating itself, fiction is becoming a reality, and other people’s problems are becoming our own?

It’s happening. And not in a “haha Bush is such a Nazi” kind of way, but in a “holy fucking shit” kind of way.

Sometimes reading The Water Tower inspires out readers to get naked and fight the power. But most of the time, they just send e-mails.

Dear Water Tower,

I would like to take this opportunity, as the minutes left in November wane, to thank you for the Beardvember Competition. Hosting such a noble event has revealed a commitment to the public good rarely seen in periodicals and is bound to go down in legend. A month ago, I was
trying to keep my beard neat and tidy. That is, until I read in the Water Tower that a shaving fast had begun at the beginning of the month. I immediately threw down my shears and swore off all trimming.

By Max C. Bookman

“Vota Sí”

-Rallying cry of pro- Chavez supporters, urging passage of the newly-reformed constitution. Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, would be granted broad new powers under the new constitution, dividing the country between supporters and those who fear the implications of those powers.

“I can look you up, find where you live, and blow you up.”

-Popular daytime talk show host Montel Williams, to a group of reporters, in a recent public outburst. Williams later apologized for his comments, saying he mistook the reporters for a different group of reporters, whom he apparently …

You get really angry at scanners and eat baby food with baby spoons…
kind of strange… but maybe also kind of attractive!?!
When: alldayeveryday
Where: Williams

That’s just one of the five new I Want You So Bad entries this week.

Read them all and post your own anonymously at thewatertowernews.com/iwantyousobad

By Lauren Foley

Secret Santa is an irritating Christmas tradition, and I refuse to participate in it yet again. Year after year I have been subjected to this irritating ritual and this holiday season I am putting my foot down. Ho Ho No.

For those of you unfamiliar with the logistics of Secret Santa, it basically entails pulling names out of a hat and then buying gifts within a certain price range. In elementary school, I willingly partook in the annual Secret Santa, feverishly hoping that I would receive something better in the swap than the crappy coloring book or ponytail holders that I’d gotten the year before. Alas, I was always inevitably disappointed despite my high hopes.

Class of 2011:
If you happen to be walking around campus
Thursday night, don’t be alarmed when
you are bombarded by a parade of
cheering, naked, absolutely insane people.

Come right outside the marche and take
a look yourself. It’s okay, nobody will mind.
Just don’t get too carried away.

Confused?
Read about this UVM tradition in the next article…

By Max C. Bookman

The chain of events are time-honored, and their origins are unknown.

Before anyone else, UVM’s finest are on the scene, the police know first-hand how crazy we college kids are, especially when we’re cold, drunk, and naked. They’re on extra alert, scouting the crowd for life-threatening snowballs and ensuring nobody disrobes outside (that’s illegal).

Then comes the mob. The tiny walkway outside the Marche sees more action than the Lambda bros with a handful of rufies. Conversation stirs around approaching final exams, how ridiculously freezing it is outside, and the occasional “there were so many dudes last time. I’m not trying to see all those dicks again.” Anticipation bubbles, tension is high. Climax is imminent.

Created By Max C. Bookman, Illustrations by Alexander Whitehead

Pimp yo’ ride

There’s two parts to a Naked Bike ride. The Naked, and the Ride. Choose wisely.

Bike
Keep it old school. This is a naked bike ride after all. Just take it easy on those turns; you don’t want to damage anything in a nasty wipeout. Also, find something comfortable to cover the seat with. That goes for girls and guys.

Skateboard
Simple, versatile, and totally sweet. Boast your goods and show how dope you are at the same time! Can you bust a kickflip without your Etnies?

Motorcycle
Nothing says “I’m badass” like bringing a flippin’ hog to a bicycle ride. It’s loud, noisy, and attracts attention. But are you compensating for something else?

Foot
For the free spirits who refuse to be tethered to anything, not even a bicycle. The Spartans ran in the nude, so why shouldn’t you? But don’t forget to bring some shoes, you hippie.

By Kurt Weiss

I swear to God, if I lose another jacket at a party this winter I’m going to kill someone. Hopefully it’s the person who stole my jacket, but as long as it’s someone wearing a jacket, I don’t care who they are. I want a death and a jacket, in that order.

The loss of a jacket drives me to what my lawyer will argue down to manslaughter because, well, it’s fucking cold. Vermont feels like Dante’s seventh level of hell come December. And yet, walk into any building, on or off campus, business or residential, and you’re back in a more catholic, fiery, burning hot hell.

By Lea McLellan

Created by Anya Brodrick, Illustrations by Alexander Whitehead
This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates the intersection of image-word-mathematics.

A Day in the life of Tina Boomer and Tucker Boomer-Spruce

TINA:
11:00 am: already up for the past four hours, only 3 more pies to go!

11:30 am: still rolling out the three crusts and simultaenously
yelling at the in-laws

12:45 pm: scrambling to get everything set: turkey out, sides
prepared, candles lit. also making sure the entire family is there

1:03 pm: carving the turkey, making sure the best pieces go to tucker. he seems to really be loving everything!

1:37 pm: serve another huge plate to tucker. think this is probably the best christmas meal she’s ever prepared-he’s eaten so much!

After weeks of waiting, the moment has arrived. We have spent countless days and sleepless nights reviewing the pile of submissions from all across the UVM community. Even President Fogel has quit shaving. We know that there will be plenty of disappointed participants, but remember, this competition is not about winning, it’s about celebrating a great American tradition that has never gotten its time to shine.

As UVM begins to recover, and as normal faces begin to emerge from beneath their hairy masks, we wonder, will our fair school ever be the same again? Just wait ‘til next year.

Here are the winners: