Naked Bike Ride Bare Breakdown

Published December 4, 2007

Created By Max C. Bookman, Illustrations by Alexander Whitehead

Pimp yo’ ride

There’s two parts to a Naked Bike ride. The Naked, and the Ride. Choose wisely.

Bike
Keep it old school. This is a naked bike ride after all. Just take it easy on those turns; you don’t want to damage anything in a nasty wipeout. Also, find something comfortable to cover the seat with. That goes for girls and guys.

Skateboard
Simple, versatile, and totally sweet. Boast your goods and show how dope you are at the same time! Can you bust a kickflip without your Etnies?

Motorcycle
Nothing says “I’m badass” like bringing a flippin’ hog to a bicycle ride. It’s loud, noisy, and attracts attention. But are you compensating for something else?

Foot
For the free spirits who refuse to be tethered to anything, not even a bicycle. The Spartans ran in the nude, so why shouldn’t you? But don’t forget to bring some shoes, you hippie.

Out Of Style

Some things just get played out. You wouldn’t bump “Hey Ya” in your car, would you? Well, avoid these bike ride faux-paus.

Ass-slapping
Maybe if you get really caught up in the moment, your hand might happen to grace the behind of someone who didn’t ask for it to be there. But don’t be that guy who slaps every ass that runs by. Your buddies may think you’re the shit, but trust us. You’re not.

Cameras and Videos
Totally unnecessary. Unless you’re a naked photographer. Then everything’s cool.

Underwear
Nice try, but if you can’t bring yourself to take it all off, there’s a nice half-naked bike ride down the street you can go to.

Body Bling

This won’t be the usual getting naked. You have time to prepare, so hook your body up!

Body Paint
From sorority letters to clever Kenny Chesney quotes, body paint lets you show off how you like to be naked. Make an art major’s day and ask him or her to apply the paint for you. Do it with a friend for maximum creativity.

Piercings
So, everyone knows that you’ve got a nose ring, but now’s your opportunity to show off all the other shiny metal ornaments you’ve been hiding. Honestly, you didn’t get your nipples pierced for nobody to see, right?

Masks
Great for first-time riders. There’s a lot of room for creativity here too. A little creepy, but whatever.

Accessorize!

Naked doesn’t mean empty-handed. Let it all hang, and be fashionable!

Backpack
Let’s face it. It’s freezing outside. Backpacks are sweet because they can hold nice warm clothes for after the ride, plus they’re great for concealing a bottle of something that may also keep you warm… and swerving.

Read “ The Naked Bike Ride: A Time-Honored Tradition” in this issue for more!

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