Pizza Elmo, Chat Divas, and Zen at 4am

Published December 4, 2007

By Lea McLellan

Nothing embodies the holiday spirit quite like Black Friday. It’s a whole made-up holiday dedicated to the celebration of consumerism and Christmas joy at the same time. There are moms fighting over Pizza Elmos (Elmo sings a silly song and so does the pizza!!), teens elbowing for iPods, and all the hardcore shoppers camping out in front of Best Buy at three o’clock in the morning.

Why do they do it? Well, because they want to show their loved ones how much they love them by getting them the biggest, best, most impressive presents. Plus, have you seen the sales?! Duh! It’s like hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, snow angels, and Frosty the Snowman’s button nose all stuffed into one wonderful stocking.

Shopping on Black Friday is not for everyone. If you like to get a good night’s sleep after a big turkey dinner, forget it. If you bruise easily, stay home. If you’re just not into waking up that early to push your way through crowds of people to buy a flat screen TV, then fine. I guess you’ll just have to stay home and order your friends and family lame-ass presents out of a Sears catalog. If the monogrammed robe for grandma is on backorder, tough luck.

However, if you love Christmas, love your little sister enough to buy her a new singing “chat diva” Barbie, and know a good sale price when you see one, then you were probably one of the many dedicated shoppers shivering outside the mall the day after Thanksgiving. And I say good for you! It takes a brave person with a strong will to get the most out of shopping and maintain one’s sanity on the busiest shopping day of the year.

A friend, who courageously went to the mall that chilly morning, saw a woman repeatedly bumping a guy’s heels with her cart. Maybe she had a reason. Or maybe she was just getting into the “anything goes” attitude of Black Friday. Manners aren’t all that important when bargains are involved. My guess is that this guy was in her way-which is so rude and might have cost her a Bratz doll. I think she was wholly justified.

Anyway, the guy in her way wasn’t too pleased with his kicks getting bumped. In response, he took a microwave out of her cart and put it on shelf too high for the cart lady to retrieve. Another totally justifiable action. The bitch was ramming his heels with her cart. It’s called payback.

Some people think it’s sick to partake in a holiday that makes people crazy and is created for the purpose of spending money on stuff people don’t actually need. Some even protest consumerism by refusing to spend any money at all and calling it “ Buy Nothing Day.” Adbusters.org even encourages a “ Buy Nothing Christmas.” Apparently they think opting out of holiday spending and all the wish lists, stress, and overcrowded malls is somehow a more meaningful, Zen way to enjoy the season.

These people need to get a grip. Be real…no one wants to wake up Christmas morning to find paper snowflakes or a damn fruitcake under the tree. A handmade scarf is nice, but can a scarf store all my music, access the Internet, play videos, and be a phone, and make all my friends totally jealous?

No it can’t. At best, a scarf can keep a person’s neck warm. And who really needs a warm neck when your parents bought you a new iPhone for Christmas?

It’s really too bad there are people out there opposed to all the holiday spending and consequent joy making. It’s sad to think that there are people missing out on experiencing extremely crowded days of shopping at Target, maxing out their credit cards in the name of Christmas, and compiling wish lists after hours of Googling the hottest presents for 2007’s holiday season. Because after all, that’s what the holidays are all about, right?

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