The Naked Bike Ride: A Time-Honored Tradition

Published December 4, 2007

By Max C. Bookman

The chain of events are time-honored, and their origins are unknown.

Before anyone else, UVM’s finest are on the scene, the police know first-hand how crazy we college kids are, especially when we’re cold, drunk, and naked. They’re on extra alert, scouting the crowd for life-threatening snowballs and ensuring nobody disrobes outside (that’s illegal).

Then comes the mob. The tiny walkway outside the Marche sees more action than the Lambda bros with a handful of rufies. Conversation stirs around approaching final exams, how ridiculously freezing it is outside, and the occasional “there were so many dudes last time. I’m not trying to see all those dicks again.” Anticipation bubbles, tension is high. Climax is imminent.

Pessimists say that the Naked Bike Ride is a dying tradition. Although the school administration would rather see it disappear faster than dreadlocks on campus have, we at the Water Tower say nay! There is something terribly appealing about cheering on a string of clothes-less classmates tearing through the streets (after all, it’s not something that happens every day).

But we must always remember that the Naked Bike Ride is not just about standing in freezing temperatures, seeing normally-hidden skin flopping around amidst cheers and applause. It’s about celebrating the end of the semester in a way that is uniquely UVM. What better way is there to bug out before finals than high-fiveing everyone from class whom you’ve always imagined in their birthday suit (and those you wish had stayed on the sidelines)?

Enter the first biker. The mob goes wild, and the ride is on. All the minglers in the peripheries race to the path and try to squeeze their way in. As the naked waves pass through, snowballs fly, and creative getups are rewarded with cheers, sprinkled with some “holy shit, that girl is in my Sociology class.” In between each wave, some spectator will always dart across the path, usually to share explicates with a friend on the other side. Of course, there’re plenty of high-fives to go around.

Eventually, an inebriated biker will learn the lesson of drunk-riding and tear a nasty wipeout. The procession is forced to stall, putting our beloved naked bikers in the terribly awkward predicament of having to stand still - with no clothes. Seeing a nude stranger wiz by you is a very different situation than having a classmate stand stationary right in front of you, hard nipples and shrunken…appendages. What are you supposed to say? “So, how ‘bout that Spanish paper?”

After the main pack thins out, the crowd lingers, just to give some stragglers a chance. Enthusiastic bikers will turn around and ride back the way they came, causing the utmost confusion, and some hilarious collisions. But soon enough, everyone realizes that they’re cold, wet, and there’re no more naked people. People scatter, and the semester’s over.

This year’s bike ride is on Thursday, November 6. In the words of Jim Morrison, “let’s see some nakedness out there!”

Read “ Naked Bike Ride Bare Breakdown” for Naked Bike Ride Tips!

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