The Politics of Secret Santa

Published December 4, 2007

By Lauren Foley

Secret Santa is an irritating Christmas tradition, and I refuse to participate in it yet again. Year after year I have been subjected to this irritating ritual and this holiday season I am putting my foot down. Ho Ho No.

For those of you unfamiliar with the logistics of Secret Santa, it basically entails pulling names out of a hat and then buying gifts within a certain price range. In elementary school, I willingly partook in the annual Secret Santa, feverishly hoping that I would receive something better in the swap than the crappy coloring book or ponytail holders that I’d gotten the year before. Alas, I was always inevitably disappointed despite my high hopes. Now, even as a broke college student, I refuse to organize or participate in another one of these annoying swaps. Despite the tempting appeal of copping out and having to purchase one gift instead of three or four, I just can’t overcome the great complexities and politics of Secret Santa.

Last year was the first time I have ever encountered Yankee Swap, also known as Secret Santa 2.0. The idea in Yankee Swap is that everyone gets to choose numbers and then choose gifts in order. Presents are then subsequently exchanged according to number, with the goal of obtaining a better gift. It wasn’t until last year that I first heard of this evil phenomenon and I must say, I was shocked and horrified. The last thing I want during Secret Santa is for the figurative rug to be pulled out from under me as my received gift is taken away and replaced with something even worse. This concept is good in theory but extremely frustrating in actuality. Being forced to hand over my too-fragrant-yet-somewhat-nice hand lotion set for a shoddily constructed homemade potholder inevitably causes me to develop an attitude fiercer than the Grinch’s.

In a perfect Utopian Christmas society, everyone’s Secret Santa gift would cost the same. People would understand what exactly a price range is and they would adhere to it. Sadly this is not the case. There is always that one annoying little bastard who decides to go above and beyond the price range, consequently making everyone else’s gifts pale in comparison. Yankee Swap then becomes Yankee Bloodshed as everyone fights over the ipod that some jerk decided to contribute despite the $20 price limit. As Scrooge would say, Bah Humbug.

Present etiquette is another thing I have learned to employ in Secret Santa situations. If the swap is executed properly, no one should know whom his or her gift is from. Some people are more sensitive than others when it comes to their gift contributions, and I am careful not to step on anyone’s toes. Even as a third grader at Oakham Center School, I unwrapped a $1.99 checker board and managed to give an Oscar-worthy performance as someone who nearly peed their pants in excitement over the prospect of being Kinged. It isn’t the most honest thing in the world but appropriate in the spirit of good will towards men.

Secret Santa may not always be as inconvenient and irritating as I have experienced it to be. In some cases it may a great solution to an otherwise unaffordable, insurmountable list of gift recipients. In other cases, often involving coworkers and classmates, it is an awkward affair complete with ponytail scrunchies, Chinese checkers, and various homemade do-hickeys. This holiday season, be gracious, be patient, and be observant of the price limit and hopefully the jingle bell rock will be a song and not a wrapped igneous under the Secret Santa Tree.

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