The Winter Coat Paradox

Published December 4, 2007

By Kurt Weiss

I swear to God, if I lose another jacket at a party this winter I’m going to kill someone. Hopefully it’s the person who stole my jacket, but as long as it’s someone wearing a jacket, I don’t care who they are. I want a death and a jacket, in that order.

The loss of a jacket drives me to what my lawyer will argue down to manslaughter because, well, it’s fucking cold. Vermont feels like Dante’s seventh level of hell come December. And yet, walk into any building, on or off campus, business or residential, and you’re back in a more catholic, fiery, burning hot hell.

This issue of climate change is one very close to my heart. When the temperature drops outside, it often gets warmer inside as
people crank up the heat. This makes it impossible to decide what clothes will be weather appropriate on any given day. Outside, I’ll need up to two layers under a down coat. Inside, I’m taking off more clothes than the time I went to that Nelly concert.

It’s really an inconvenient truth. Add a healthy dose of alcohol to the equation and we’ve got a serious problem. What is anyone supposed to do with all the crap they wear to the party, when they’ll soon be in agreement with Nelly’s back-up singers that, “I’m getting so hot, I want to take my clothes off”? I’ve found the safest thing is to tie the arms of my coat around my waist once I get to a party, but this always ruins my outfit and makes my hips look wide.

I usually end up finding a corner in some back room and stashing my jacket between the couch and the wall, telling myself I won’t forget where it is. Then six beers later I go and check on it, and lo and behold it’s still there. Amazing, confidence is high. I’m going to make it home with coat tonight, no problem. The next round’s on me. Then, when I make my final fate- ful round, I find someone’s stolen my jacket, again.

Every time I suit up for a night out, I shudder at the prospect of choosing a coat to wear. I feel like a general about to send some poor soul out on a suicide mission because there’s a good chance that coat might not make it back. Each winter many other UVM students are plagued by this unfortunate loss.

Not enough is being done to combat this issue. And if it’s happening in Vermont, it could be happening in Minnesota and California as well. This might be a global issue. I encourage everyone to rely less on fossil fuel powered heat this winter. This could bring down the entire world’s global individual residence temperature. When people show up to a party they could keep their coats on comfortably. And a coat on a back is one less coat lost.

Print This Article

Comments