News In Brief: Ultra Mega Edition!
Published January 22, 2008
By Max C. Bookman
The Primary Primaries
“Freedom requires religion.”
-Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in a December speech that defended his Mormon religious affiliation. The address was intended to parallel JFK’s 1960 speech on Catholicism and politics, but the former Massachusetts governor is no John Kennedy. And what’s up with freedom requires religion? Verdict: Nice try, Mitt.
“There is nothing false about hope.”
- Barack Obama, speaking to a dismayed crowd of supporters following last week’s New Hampshire primary. While the Illinois senator’s loss by one percentage point was portrayed by the media as an upset by the Clinton campaign, the closeness of the N.H. race showcased Obama’s ability to capture white votes in a way no other black presidential candidate has been able to do.
“We have plenty of money to run a serious campaign, and…I don’t think voters are going to be controlled by money.”
- John Edwards, attempting to reconcile his populist rhetoric with the fiscal realities of the current election to deflect doubts about the viability of his campaign. The Democratic candidate failed to place first in the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary, leading pundits to declare the upcoming South Carolina primary, his native state, as “make or break” for the former senator.
“One more step and they would have been introduced to those virgins they look forward to seeing.”
- Law and Order actor-turned presidential candidate Fred Thompson, cracking a knee-slapper regarding the recent incident between the US and Iranian navies that almost led to open hostilities. Thompson was referring to the belief among Muslim suicide bombers that their sacrifice leads to the acquisition of 72 virgins in Heaven. One problem - professional Iranian seamen are not ragtag Al Qaeda jihadists. Unless you’re Fred. Good one.
“I just don’t want to see us fall backwards.”
- Hillary Clinton, choking up during a campaign event following her surprising loss to Barack Obama in the Iowa primary. Pundits claim that the waterworks helped her secure New Hampshire, but fueled sexist fears of an emotional wreck in charge of The Button. Regardless, Clinton is still the woman to beat, especially with Bill pulling punches.
“[We need] to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards.”
-Republican presidential contender Mike Huckabee, in a recent appeal to his evangelical base. The ordained minister has found a mixed reception from Republican voters following his seemingly overnight success stemming from stellar debate performances. Huck has spent considerable time deflecting worries that he’s a crazy Southern Baptist minister, but comments like this seem to suggest…well, that he’s a crazy Southern Baptist minister.
Wait! There’s More!
“This petition is as radical as the Declaration of Independence.”
-Brattleboro, VT resident Kurt Daims, advocating an item on the town meeting agenda that would subject President Bush and Vice President Cheney to arrest and indictment for crimes against the Constitution if they enter the town. Of course, the logistics for arresting the President aren’t fully worked out yet. Verdict: Two cuffs up.
“Should Zoo Let Polar Bear Eat Her Cubs?”
-Headline that appeared across the Internet this winter break, referring to a polar bear at a German zoo who ate two of her cubs. After some highly publicized deliberations, zoo officials decided to rescue the third cub from its hungry mother.
“For standing up outside the car, I think it was she to blame alone, nobody else.”
-Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, on the assassination of opposition leader and former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto on December 27. Bhutto’s campaign for Pakistani political reform has caused speculation that Musharraf’s government either orchestrated or turned a blind eye to uncovering assassination plots against the controversial leader.
“We are not going to be able to answer to any external threats until 2018 to 2020.”
-Iraqi Defense Minister Abdul Qadir, analyzing the prospects for a full US withdrawal. Qadir projects a pullout in a really really long time from now - no wonder these are the first specific indications of a timetable from either government. In 2020, the American occupation of Iraq will be 17 years old - almost three times the length of World War II.
“I’m very hopeful.”
-President George W. Bush, commenting on a possible peace arrangement between Israelis and Palestinians during his recent trip to the Middle East. The trip has received little media attention - a combination of the heat-up in the 2008 presidential race and doubts that Bush can accomplish anything constructive with so little political support at home and abroad. Like a bad dream, he’s finally fading away…
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