By Alex Townsend

I write these words with shaking hands. I don’t know what has happened to me or what is going to happen next, but I thought that someone should know my story. Have you ever had reason to fear a syllabus? To look at what’s coming and feel shivers? It can come from a term paper, or finding out that a huge project is due soon, or even (if there are ladies present it might be a good time for them to leave the room) reading an author who’s known for being really, well, tough.

We’ve all had to deal with them, with mixed levels of frustrating authors: Melville, Chaucer, Seuss. Recently though, I have had to deal with a new horror: Virginia Woolf. Many of my friends had warned me about the Woolf, but there she lay upon the accursed syllabus. My doom was sealed. One dark night I picked up A Room of One’s Own and it was then that the Woolf struck, tearing into me like so many really annoying paper cuts.

By Peter Casasa-Blouin

With two Wu albums hitting the market one would think that hip-hop is revitalizing itself. Instead, Ghostface makes another classic but in the same formulaic mold that sacrifices creativity for success.

Inversely, Ghost’s group Wu-Tang drops an album in which RZA took some serious chances in production, but the result is still a lullaby of an album where even raw talent like Raekwon’s could put you to sleep. Still, the Wu album will grow on me.

By Max C. Bookman

“Are there three people in this debate?”

-Comments from John Edwards during a recent debate among the three remaining Democratic presidential hopefuls in which his participation was greatly overshadowed by Clinton and Obama. The Edwards campaign has struggled to gain traction, particulary in separating the former senator from the two remaining contenders in the minds of voters. Edwards placed third in South Carolina.

Sometimes reading The Water Tower inspires our readers to get naked and fight the power. But most of the time, they just send e-mails.

Dear Editor,

Recently I was waiting for the On-campus bus behind Coolidge in order to get to my first class of the day at 9:30. Although it was only 9:05 and I could have definitely gotten onto the Redstone Express, I made an executive decision to get a better seat on the regular On-campus bus and opted out of the Redstone Express.

9:12 rolls around and the bus approaches up the small hill toward the bus stop. I notice that it is not slowing down as usual. As all hope and warmth leave my body I am struck with the shock that the bus has just sped by. As we all stand in dismay, the bus seems to mock us by spitting sand pellets at the curb by our feet. I ask a fellow student what that was all about and her reply, “to humiliate us”.

By Lea McLellan

About a month ago, I decided to stop eating meat. Well, most meat. I still eat turkey, chicken, and fish, but no more meatballs or “B” in my BLT’s. I didn’t stop eating red meat because I love cows and pigs. I could say it was because I wanted to be healthy and reduce my animal fat intake, but that would only be half true at best. The real reason is actually kind of embarrassing. I haven’t eaten red meat in the last month because of a mixture of guilt and peer pressure.

I have a very annoying vegan friend who has a lot of other annoying vegan friends. Being the only one who eats meat at a table full of intense vegans at a vegan restaurant is a scary and uncomfortable way to spend an evening. At one point during the meal, the supervegans were discussing donating blood. “Yeah. I’d probably give up all my blood just to save some MEAT EATER’S life,” said supervegan number one with a look of pure disdain.

In this section, The Water Tower taps into the genius of UVM to make some very necessary additions to our lexicon.

Last week: A word that could be used to describe the act of skiing or snowboarding interchangeably.

WINNER: “Shralp”

NEXT WEEK: A word to describe a person who laughs at the most inappropriate times.

Contact Us or email thewatertowernews@gmail.com with your entry!

Couldn’t catch a name?
Submit your love anonymously to

thewatertowernews.com/iwantyousobad

This Week’s Submissions:

I see you on muscle beach strutting your stuff. You lookin’ fine. I want you to be mine. Valentine. The way you eat only eggs, and the way you tan your legs. Take me to New York, I wanna be your bella Italiaina.

When: Everyday
Where: Harris Millis Dining Hall
I saw: A Man
I am: A Woman

Keep reading for more like this!

By Max C. Bookman

Three girls from Harris Millis, finally free after five days of subjugation to boring intro-level lectures, leave their triple (it’s supposed to be a double), each daintily exiting the room one after the other.

The girl with jet black hair and pale skin pauses outside the door and checks her bursting bag to make sure everything is in order - cell, money, Marb Reds, Playboy Zippo, various makeup accessories, new pack of Orbit sweet mint, eroding ticket stub, half-finished bottle of Coke Zero mixed with Popov, Cat Card, and room key.

The air temperature outside is 26° with a wind chill that makes it feel like 16, but the three girls march confidently sans outerwear. “Ohmygod, it’s fucking brick,” squeals the girl with jet black hair as they walk past the cigarette crowd outside of Harris Millis, “plus I’m drunk and it’s still frickin’ freezing.”

The tall brunette suggests taking the drunk bus.

By Mac Smith

As nightfall descended upon New York and New England last Sunday, Giants and Patriots fans alike celebrated their teams’ trips to the Superbowl. As the stage is set for another showdown between Boston and New York sports, the only word that comes to mind is “fate.”

While we all prepare for the coming showdown and the arrays of cheeses, salamis, wings, and beers that come with it, we need to take a step back and think about the many factors that make this much more than just a football game.

By Mac Smith

1. Heath Ledger Facebook Groups–Yeah, it’s an unfortunate and untimely death, but making a Facebook group about it doesn’t really get anything accomplished. At all.

2. Scientology–Scientology was created by American science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. One of the many stories associated with Scientology is the 75 million year old story of the galactic emperor Xenu. In order to get rid of overpopulation, he stacked people by the hundreds of billions into the bases of volcanoes and then detonating them with H-Bombs etc. etc. The Church of Scientology estimates about 8 million members worldwide. Apparently, at least 8 million people on this planet are fucking stupid.

By Benjamin Silverman

The “R” word has loomed its ugly head again. Recession.

Everywhere, the talking heads are in a breakneck clamor not to be left behind in their predictions. Recession is coming, and is likely already here they say with the certainty of astrologers. And by saying so they ensure it’s eventuality. You know that saying, “When you think of the devil, the devil thinks of you?”

Created by Anya Brodrick, Illustration by Alexander Whitehead
This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates the intersection of image-word-mathematics.

9:36 pm: Freshly showered, he’s still forced to put on a dirty shirt. He figures 10 applications of deodorant will cover up any lingering b.o.

9:52 pm: Shotguns two beers with roommmate, resulting in a huge spill of PBR on his floor. Oh well, at least the rug will soak it up.

10:01 pm: Heads two doors down to the totally chill babes’ room to do shots of cheap gin. Totally getting flirty with the blonde one, they decide to hop on the bus and go downtown.

10:12 pm: Split a cigarette while waiting for the bus– this is going to be a good night.

By Bridget Treco

Just when you close one box, somebody opens up another one.

I mean…not to be too cheesy. I actually mean it literally. Well, sort of…here’s what happened.

Over winter break, the night before I came back to school, I was fed up with an unattractive heap of stuff on my desk.

I felt like this heap was staring at me every night like a monkey on my back. It was, in fact, a heap of “old boyfriend stuff.” Cards, letters, gifts that I never used…just staring at me. But up until that night, I didn’t have the heart to get rid of it or at least stifle it.

By Alex Townsend

Woop-tee-doo, it’s the month of Aquarius, the month of people perpetually emptying jars. Do you really want to know what the stars have to say about that? They say you need to find a new hobby. Seriously, you’re almost as dull as Libras.

The Water Tower is looking for additional writers and artists!

Contact Us or email thewatertowernews@gmail.com