By Andrew L. DeTullio
Illustration by Aaron Lopez-Barrantes

Burlington, for its relatively small size, has a certain orchestral hum that is usually reserved for larger urban areas. Along with the occasional sirens and the mechanical drone of vehicle traffic, there is also a lot of foot traffic along the residential streets that some have dubbed “the college ghetto.” These streets, lined with decaying Victorians sadly sliced up into apartments, house a good portion of the upper classmen population at UVM. At any given time along these narrow avenues, there is the opportunity to hear drunken babble
on weekend nights, the mumbles and outbursts of Can Bums rattling their shopping carts by as they speak Bum Gibberish (a mixture of pop culture and politics) or even the subdued conversations of the townies and their families. But one key sonic element has been considerably missing in this sound-scape, one that was once an integral yet rare force. It didn’t matter what time of day, but there was always the possibility to hear the yells and rhymes of one mysterious man: Kornbread.

By Alexander Pinto

Nobody is safe in Kenya. After more than a month of constant violence stemming from the controversial presidential elections of December 27, the conflict has shifted and purely political backlash has been combined with ethnic combat.

President Mwai Kibaki was re-elected in the December election by a margin so large that opposition leaders, particularly Raila Odinga, leader of the popular Orange Democratic Movement (ODM), are convinced the votes were tampered with. Indeed, on elections held the same day, Odinga’s ODM received twice as many seats in parliament as Kibaki’s Party of National Unity (PNU).

By Max C. Bookman

“We’re only going to score seventeen points?”

-A smiling New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady, laughing off predictions made by New York Giant Plaxico Burress prior to Sunday’s Super Bowl that the Giants would win by a score of 23-17. The undefeated Patriots were halted yards away from history by the underdog Giants in a highly emotional and suspenseful post-season championship. The final score came in a touchdown caught none other than Burress. New York sports fans finally rejoice.

Couldn’t catch a name? Submit your love anonymously to www.thewatertowernews.com/iwantyousobad

This Week’s Submissions:

We were dirty dancing and I had an accident on your knee, Superbad style. Hope I didn’t ruin your pants…maybe I can take them off you sometime?
When: February 3, 1:24 am
Where: Sketchy basement downtown
I saw: A Man
I am: A Woman

By Alex Townsend

Lately, as I’m sure everyone’s aware, there’s been a fair share of controversy over the new Davis Center. However, being a lowly, pond-scum freshman, I’ve never known anything else. I knew this must be remedied. Last night I took a journey into the dark bowels of the Student Center That Was.

Oh, the fascinating things that can be found in Billings. I spent many a long hour examining the desks in the great wagon-wheel room. They were covered with the wise words of students from long ago (last year). I was impressed honestly. Sure some of them went for more conventional wisdom (”Vaginas are fun!”) and others were more random (”Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus”), but clearly these students were also great philosophical thinkers.

Analyzing the Impact of Bill Clinton’s Prominent Role in the 2008 Election

By Peter Salerno

For some reason it feels like a vote for Hillary Clinton these days means a third term for husband and former U.S. President Bill Clinton. Even though Bill isnt officially on the ballot he is making more news on the campaign trail recently than his wife Hilary. I’m sure Hilary thought her husband’s status as a favorite amongst Democratic voters was always an asset she could count on, but since the New Hampshire Primary Bill has taken the campaign by storm.

By Candice Duncan

You want to stick it to The Man? You can cast your ballot for:

a) White Man b) White Woman c) Black Man

You picked B or C, didn’t you? The answer is obvious. Clinton and Obama thought so too. Last Wednesday night, they sat around giggling while they wrote their press releases, praising Edwards and his campaign for “the families who live in that other America.” In fact, all three candidates were seen on Thursday morning, baking a cake full of smiles and rainbows.

Illustrations by Erin Daigle
Super Tuesday by Max C. Bookman

The Super Bowl is over, but now the nation braces for the next day of Super proportions, Super Tuesday. In this special, The Water Tower breaks down what you need to know for today’s festivities.

By David Volain

Ladies and gentlemen start your engines! February 5th is here! Super Tuesday is upon us and it’s time for a whole bunch of hoorah! Once only a simply day of primaries, Super Tuesday has evolved into something of such grandeur so as to earn it such a descriptive and original title. It is now celebrated by the politically obsessed as somewhat of a holiday in its own right. There are lots of balloons, plenty of speeches and more toasts than a bachelor party! If baked beans get the whole month of July, can’t political candidates get a single day once every four years!

By Hillary Jane Archer

On the frigid morning of January 24, a group of 50 student activists kicked off their premiere campaign event with dramatic and unusual symbolism when a toilet on wheels was rolled onto campus. The toilet appeared as if it were ready to flush what was at the heart of their campaigning efforts: a tree. It didn’t matter that it was near 15° F and snowing; the UVM Forest Crimes Unit was on a tenacious mission to enlighten everyone about why our toilet paper and tissues need a little more attention.

Rarely do people think, as they are crumbling a freshly collected wad of toilet paper, that they are about to wipe their ass with 10,000 year old tree fiber.

By Lauren Foley

According to studies that have been done, most students who study abroad encounter several stages in their travels. The first stage is an initial rush of exhilaration. When you first arrive in a foreign country, everything is exciting and new, kind of like your very first day of freshman year, when the unorthodox nature of a lofted bed seem like the best creation in the history of man.

However, this stage, usually lasting a few weeks, is followed by an even longer stage that is characterized by intense homesickness and culture shock in which the cozy lofted bed suddenly capsizes, throwing an unsuspecting student overboard to fend off the sharks of an unfamiliar country. In the whole spirit of ocean metaphors, I currently consider myself to be drowning in England.

By Sam Theodosopoulos

“I never thought this could happen! We should have done other stuff or used the pill,” the girl forced with hopelessness through her tears.

The blue moon shined down on them, that cold, crisp, New England wind stung their rose red faces. Overlooking them, stood a colossal stone sign engraved, Universitas Virdis Mondis, which shone brightly in the moonlight.

“Babe,” the boy panted, “I know I can’t fucking believe it either, I don’t understand!” he kept saying. “We were smart!”

Created by Anya Brodrick, Illustration by Alexander Whitehead

This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates the intersection of image-word-mathematics.

A Day in the Life of Owen Carr

7:30 am: Wakes up, pops 2 Adderall, heads to the gym-he has to compensate for the many hours he [hopefully] will be sitting in his huge, ultra-padded office chair.

9:00 am: First class, BSAD 295–Competitive Advanced Operation Strategies. Has no idea what it really means, but damn…it sounds pretty complicated and intelligent.

11:15 am: Officially stressed about his applications to grad schools (top choice is Harvard but wouldn’t say no to Babson or George Washington).

11:23 am: Fantasizes about living in a high-rise, wearing sharp suits and getting with older women–being a business man is gonna be legit!

By Lea McLellan

I have a good life. I’ve got friends, family, enough to eat, a place to live…but I can’t help but feel as if there’s something missing.

I’m convinced that this void I feel is a direct result of my lack of unwanted, old gold. I’ve never thought of this as a significant disadvantage until recently, when I saw themost mysteriously awesome commercial on television. Yes, I’m talking about GoldKit.

One elderly woman received one thousand dollars for her old gold. Another exclaimed how she used the money she earned from her old gold to go on vacation. Then this cracked-out lady came on the screen and yelled, “Gole’ Kit It’s fast! Easy! And it’s free!”

By Sally Wiebe

My mom introduced me to Vampire Weekend. She had read a short piece on this quartet of New York City guys in Vogue and became intrigued. She then asked me, the more iTunes-friendly member of the family, to download some of their songs. The qualifier “some” describes just how many songs I could download, but those seven songs were enough to keep me listening to this new group.

Most who listen to Vampire Weekend categorize them as Indie, but the best part of these four prepsters is that they borrow beats from many different types of music, most notably Afro-Pop.

By Mac Smith

1. Ann Marie Linscott - This Woman from Michigan was recently arrested for finding someone via Craigslist.com to kill a woman from Oroville, California. This was a good idea in theory, seeing that you’d never expect law enforcement to find a murder for hire ad on a website that usually exchanges old bikes and used couches. Sometimes you just have bad luck.