Tri-Factor: The Business Major

Published February 5, 2008

Created by Anya Brodrick, Illustration by Alexander Whitehead

This section deconstructs the styles of today. The tripartite nature of the section demonstrates the intersection of image-word-mathematics.

A Day in the Life of Owen Carr

7:30 am: Wakes up, pops 2 Adderall, heads to the gym-he has to compensate for the many hours he [hopefully] will be sitting in his huge, ultra-padded office chair.

9:00 am: First class, BSAD 295–Competitive Advanced Operation Strategies. Has no idea what it really means, but damn…it sounds pretty complicated and intelligent.

11:15 am: Officially stressed about his applications to grad schools (top choice is Harvard but wouldn’t say no to Babson or George Washington).

11:23 am: Fantasizes about living in a high-rise, wearing sharp suits and getting with older women–being a business man is gonna be legit!

11:27 am: Quickly secures date to Winter Ball with cute sorority girl. Can’t wait to get it on in Hilton bathroom.

12:15 pm: Tries to get 295 classmate to type a paper for him, but she refuses. He can’t wait until he has a secretary who will do all his typing, calls, scheduling, and “stress relief” for him.

12:30 pm: Spends the next forty-five minutes in front of the mirror deciding which side to part his hair on: the left looks better, but the right side makes him look smarter (or so he thinks).

1:25 pm: Quick meeting over lunch with some bros. They’re all worried about which grad schools they’re getting into, but then they realize that they all have at least one rich uncle or grandfather that was an alum and can donate a building so they can get in.

1:30 pm: One thing that is dope about meeting over lunch is that soon, it can be a full on business lunch! Boom, put that on the company credit card.

3:30 pm: Re-watches Wall Street for twentieth time. Charlie Sheen’s a god and a model for all bus. ad. majors. Truly cool has yet to be embodied so perfectly since.

9:00 pm: Discusses future goals with father for two hours–he’s not paying for college so his son can be a jobless loser.

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