Who’s Afraid of the Big, Bad Billings?

Published February 5, 2008

By Alex Townsend

Lately, as I’m sure everyone’s aware, there’s been a fair share of controversy over the new Davis Center. However, being a lowly, pond-scum freshman, I’ve never known anything else. I knew this must be remedied. Last night I took a journey into the dark bowels of the Student Center That Was.

Oh, the fascinating things that can be found in Billings. I spent many a long hour examining the desks in the great wagon-wheel room. They were covered with the wise words of students from long ago (last year). I was impressed honestly. Sure some of them went for more conventional wisdom (”Vaginas are fun!”) and others were more random (”Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus”), but clearly these students were also great philosophical thinkers. Think about it: “I used to love Kim. Do I still?”, “Can I love you?”, “Dead, but dreaming”, and of course “Math is the devil’s handiwork”. Maybe they were ancient Greeks in a former life.

Still, I had no time to linger. There was still much building to explore. Next up was the, well, it was really just random wandering. I walked up stairs, I walked down stairs, and most of the time I had no idea where the heck I was. All I knew was that disturbingly often I was coming across dark, steamy rooms with no apparent purpose. All that was just in the upper layers of Billings, though, and if I found that unsettling I certainly wasn’t prepared for the labyrinth I found down below.

I honestly think that the Davis Center wasn’t built out of any academic need. The real reason was just that Billings was just too creepy for anyone to deal with anymore. The whole place was eerily quiet, the lighting seemed like something out of a slasher flick, and I’m pretty sure the vending machines were haunted. Still, I took a look into every room that was unlocked.

I don’t know what a lot of those rooms were used for once upon a time, but the spookiest ones were the rooms that had an obvious purpose. The former radio station looked like the last stronghold against an invading zombie army. Dozens of shelves lay askew on the floor, and the walls were almost entirely covered in bumper stickers and scribbles honoring bands that no one’s heard of. I’m guessing the zombies won. Also, they knew who killed Tupac.

However, my most unsettling discovery happened when I was scoping out the former HQ of The Cynic. A strange wailing sound came from the room next to me. I was nervous, but a few minutes later I slowly opened the door and peered inside. There was a bed and quilts and possibly even a dresser, like someone was actually living there. I backed away and got the hell out of there, but even now I can’t stop wondering about these mysteries of Billings. There must be solutions that an ace reporter could dig out, but what? I’m afraid that for now I can only say that these queries will have to be continued…

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