VALENTINE’S DAY BREAKDOWN YO!!!

Published February 12, 2008

By Mac Smith

Ladies and Gentleman, Valentine’s Day Season is in full swing for another year. It’s time to show your significant other just how much you truly care.

Fortunately for us, Corporate America has provided various consumer products to show our feelings. Each gift has a different and special meaning. Be that as it may, these gifts also have the power of saying things you may not have intended as they cross gender lines. It’s up to you to pick the right one, and to ensure that nothing gets lost in translation.

Hallmark Cards

The Gesture: After combing through cards for hours, I finally found the right words to express exactly how I feel about you.
The Reality: At the last second, I found something witty with a picture of a doggy (and/or baby) on the front. Clever, huh?

Flowers

The Gesture: I saw these roses and said to myself, “these are the most beautiful flowers I’ve ever seen.” Then I thought, “how can something so beautiful go without its counterpart?”
The Reality: Why do they always raise the prices of flowers for Valentine’s Day? They’re just flowers.

Chocolates

The Gesture: The ways in which I can show my love for you are as diverse as the chocolates in this heart-shaped box.
The Reality: Pleeeeasee don’t eat the caramel filled ones.

Lingerie

The Gesture: Not that you need it, but this gift is fit only for your beautiful body.
The Reality: There are only so many times you can get away with giving someone crotchless panties.

Diamonds

The Gesture: I need you to understand how committed I am to you. I love you so much.
The Reality: I need you to understand how much fucking money I just spent on you.

Teddy Bears

The Gesture: Teddy Bears are awesome.
The Reality: Teddy Bears are awesome.

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