News In Brief

Published March 4, 2008

By Max C. Bookman

“Hi. I’m here to talk to you about my mother.”

- Chelsea Clinton, opening up a speech to an enthusiastic crowd of Hillary supporters at the University of Vermont last week. Clinton’s last-minute trip to Vermont was a welcome surprise for her mother’s supporters in the region, who battled cold weather to see her, despite predictions that Barack Obama is likely to win the state by large margins.

“That’s interesting, I hadn’t heard that.”

-President George W. Bush, responding to a reporter who had informed him (apparently, before anyone else had) that gas prices are predicted to hit $4-a-gallon in some parts of the country. The gaffe angered motorists, who are feeling the pinch, despite the White House’s best efforts to spin the comment. WT says: The only thing that’s more “interesting” than a president out of touch with reality is how “interesting” filling the tank up before driving home for spring break will be for our wallets.

“I have plenty of experience. Like, in life.”

- Brock Olivo, ex-football jock and candidate for Missouri’s 9th Congressional district. He masterfully espoused his airhead credentials during an interview that has become a YouTube classic. When asked what some of the issues of his campaign are, Brock responded “I don’t know yet.” Hooray for democracy.

“A Jeffersonian revolution is needed in this country.”

-Millionaire and perenial candidate Ralph Nader, announcing his fifth independent bid for the White House. Nader, who has a strong following in Vermont, delivers the message that a vote for him is a vote for a return to true democratic roots. Too bad nobody voted for him when he ran in 1992. Or 1996. Or 2000. Or 2004. Maybe it’s time for someone else to have a turn at losing, Ralph.

“I think they were just discriminating against us because we’re young, decent looking girls. Nobody else on the plane looked like us.”

-The passionate grievances of eighteen-year-old Sarah Williams, who claims that the sole reason why she and her friend were arrested by federal marshals on an airplane was because the flight crew was jealous of their lovely looks. Ms. Williams had engaged in a disturbing verbal confrontation with a fellow passenger, but charges that only she was questioned. Those… poor young, decent looking girls.

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