The Shit List

Published March 4, 2008

By Mac Smith

Elmo:

A Tampa Bay toddler got a surprise when his new toy, Elmo Knows Your Name, began spouting “Kill James” at the child after a battery change. Without an explanation of how these insults came about, “Kill James” seemed rather nice after Elmo started saying that he would “cut anyone who crossed [him] end-to-end with a Bowie knife.” Fisher Price currently has a team of experts working to come up with a cause. Until then, Elmo Knows Your Name, Elmo Knows Where You Live, and Elmo Doesn’t Like The Way You’re Looking at Him.

Burmese Pythons:

As our world continues to warm, these 250-pound monsters are expected to move north and colonize the United States from San Francisco to Virginia on down. I’ve officially switched positions on that wall across the Mexican Border. Build that thing quick!

Seattle:

The city board stunned everyone who would care about such things when they voted to preserve a boarded up Denny’s restaurant as a city landmark, making it effectively impossible to demolish. I’m all of a sudden inspired to write an e-mail to Burlington about KKD?

Turkey:

The Turkish military and air force led an attack on a Kurdish village in Northern Iraq last Friday. The military stated that the Turkish Armed Forces, which values Iraq’s territorial integrity and its stability, will return as soon as planned goals are achieved. Yeah, you say that now. Watch what happens, smartass.

Some Fucking Asshole:

15 year old Teven Rutledge and his friends were enjoying a snowball fight when a stray snowball hit a passerby, who declared he would come back with a gun. And he did. And he shot and killed Teven. The suspect still hasn’t been found. What a piece of shit.

Print This Article

Comments