Surfing the Stars with Alex Townsend: Aries

Published March 25, 2008
One Comment (at bottom of article)

Ooo hey, a new zodiac sign! I suppose the only thing that could be more fascinating than a ram is to have a goat. Anyway, Aries have a lot going on. Really, they’re totally not lame! First of all their origin story has 150% less rape than other astrological signs I could mention…in March. They’re generally kind, caring, fun-loving, generous people who might by sheer coincidence happen to pay my tuition.

In the coming weeks you will put a hilariously ill-conceived get-rich-quick scheme into motion that will go horribly awry, making all your close friends hate you. Don’t worry though! You’ll learn a very valuable life lesson and then realize that all of your friends were losers anyway. The stars then foresee that you shall spend several hundred years in a cave, obsessing about a golden ring. Beware of short people with furry feet. They’re generally Virgos and you are really not compatible with them.

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