Why am I up Right Now? On the Dichotomy of Adderall

Published April 1, 2008
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By Sam Theodopoulos

Why was I up? This is an intelligent question to pose at 3:30 in the morning, as I sat on my computer. Any normal person would either assume that I am horribly addicted to facebook or have the kind of conversations with young children that you would see on Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator.”

Thankfully it is neither; I do have a life outside of the cyber sphere and I am not a pedophile. However, I did have a Roman history midterm the next day.

One may ask if I was awake, why I wasn’t studying, instead of submitting mediocre monologues to The Water Tower? The answer lies with my sub-kindergarten-level study skills, as well as the drug of dichotomy, Adderall.

I call this the drug of dichotomy because of both its wonders and its dark side. Many of you have experienced the capabilities of this drug that blows away the incomparable substitutes of coffee, Coca-Cola, or even Red Bull. Simply put, caffeine no longer meets the needs of many late night crammers, such as myself, needing energy boosts.

In this market, desperate students have been overtaken by the overpowering pharmaceutical industry. However, have no fear, caffeine. As long as there are still late night studiers and crammers who like to stay within the favor of the law, you will always be in high demand.

Naturally, the idea of taking a “pharmie” when you are not prescribed it stirs ethical controversy. But I believe it is ok to take Adderall for academic purposes. I am not in my dorm room cutting it up with razor blades and blowing it like Tony Montana before I head off to a dance party at the local fraternity.

Taking Adderall is no worse than the less effective method of consuming large amounts of coffee or caffeine. On numerous occasions, I have seen kids at the Marche walk out with enough Red Bull to make an elephant’s heart stop. That, my friends, is just a more expensive and less effective way to cram.

Firstly, for this Roman history midterm, I was shall we say…fucked. My attendance percentage rivaled the Bush Administration’s approval ratings and I had a better understanding of astrophysics than I did of Livy and Cicero. Luckily, I’d received a study sheet with names, terms, and events. So it was only the task of branding this information into my head that lay before me. After a few hours of extreme procrastination, (checking facebook and email multiple times even though I knew I’d gotten no new wall posts or emails), I decided to begin.

This seemed to be a daunting and intimidating task. As most good Americans know, the best solution to any problem is to head to the medicine cabinet. This happened at roughly 9:00 pm, and the drug took effect shortly. I began to focus and retain information faster than I could possibly fathom.

I finished  circa 2:00 a.m. with every inch of Roman  historical  information firmly branded into my drug-induced mind. I lay down in my bed, and closed my eyes. I opened them to see an entire hour had gone by and my mind was still racing faster than Seabiscuit.

I couldn’t watch TV or porn because my roommate was asleep and there was no one online. 3:30 was here and I was still wired. The dichotomy of the drug is thus revealed. I was well-studied, yes, but a sleepless night and a long day was on the ever closer horizon.

Editor’s Note: Do not take Adderall without a prescription.

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