By Max C. Bookman
The sun is always setting in the Kalimari Desert. It forever casts a brilliant orange glow that illuminates the entire wilderness. Ominous green cacti dot the horizon. Everything is still, except for the occasional steam locomotive chugging by.
The silence is broken by a tiny green dinosaur strapped to a noisy go-kart. He tears through the desert at death-defying speeds, masterfully negotiating turns in the road, spectacularly drifting with surprising grace.
Just ahead is the finish line. The little dinosaur can taste the sweet victory as he speeds ahead. But disaster strikes!
As he navigates the final turn, a foreboding banana peel appears directly in his path. He tries to avoid it, but it’s too late. The unwelcome surprise wreaks havoc on the poor dinosaur’s kart, causing it to spin out, coming to a complete stop just feet away from the finish line.
By Elliot Sion
On April first, executives from the world’s five largest oil companies were called in front of Congress and grilled about the necessity of the massive tax breaks which the U.S. government gives them. “Americans are hoping that the top executives from the five largest oil companies will tell us that these soaring gas prices are just part of some elaborate hoax,” Rep. Ed Markey (D-Mass) said.
It’s unfortunate, but the combination of unbelievable profits for these companies (Exxon Mobil, Chevron, Royal Dutch Shell, BP and Conoco Phillips) over the last year, outrageously high gas prices recently and immense tax breaks for these companies seems like a giant April Fool’s joke.
By Mac Smith
1. Hillary Clinton — Clinton just came out with another 3AM ad. This time, it’s an economic crisis. She promises she’ll be there to answer that call. What the fuck. First of all, NO economic crisis happens at 3 in the morning. The European markets are hardly open. Secondly, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it for another 6 and a half hours when our markets open. Thirdly, anything short of an absolute catastrophe can wait until she’s briefed the following morning. This is why she has aides. The president needs to get some sleep and not be an insomniac moron.
2. The Smithsonian — 11-year-old Kenton Stufflebeam went with his family to the Smithsonian on April 2nd and pointed out a typo at the Tower of Time exhibit that described the Precambrian as an era. Of course, this is common knowledge. The exhibit has been open since 1981. The contestants who lost on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” are vindicated.
By Max C. Bookman
“It’s none of your business.”
-Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton, responding to a question posed by a student during a visit to North Carolina State. The student, a Hillary supporter, asked if the Monica Lewinsky scandal poorly reflects on Chelsea’s mother. A similar question was posed days later, followed by the same response.
“If Hollywood had a Mt. Rushmore, Heston’s face would be on it.”
-Publicist Michael Levine, paying tribute to the late Charlton Heston, who died over the weekend at the age of 84. Heston was an iconic figure throughout the ‘50s and ‘60s, playing epic characters in classics such as The Ten Commandments, El Cid, Antony and Cleopatra, and Planet of the Apes. He was also president of the National Rifle Association from 1998 to 2003, when he coined the phrase “from my cold dead hands.”
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I really enjoyed your illustration for Bill and Mantone’s article. About the article itself, I was really surprised about much of the information divulged in the first half, particularly as it pertains to UVM’s investments. The fact that millions of dollars of public money and our tuition money is being invested in these corporations with polar opposite world views and missions other than our own at UVM is, for lack of a better word, a mindfuck.
The Water Tower has learned from members of the
Student Labor Action Project (SLAP), the organizers of Tent City, that the
American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) may be suing the University of Vermont to remove restrictions on free speech enacted by the school administration that violate the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America.
SLAP, which was denied permission to continue its Central Campus protest for
Livable Wages, has shifted ownership of Tent City to Students Against War, who have been granted a permit to continue the protest from this Wednesday to …
By Charles Winkleman
As we fight for democracy in Afghanistan, Iraq, and North Korea, there is a lesser known country which has recently put up its own fight with democracy.
This country, located in southern Asia, is known by its people as the Land of the Thunder Dragon. Bhutan is nestled in the Himalayas between China and India, and with a population of less than 700,000 has moved from an absolute monarchy to a democracy. The free world was ecstatic.
Someone on Campus Catch Your Eye?
Couldn’t catch a name?
Submit your love anonymously to
www.thewatertowernews.com/iwantyousobad
This Week’s Anonymous Submissions:
Vermont Rugby jacket, brown hat to match
To your gorgeous looks I am attached
Let me run my fingers through your curly locks
When you smile that way, oh how my breath stops
I know you like cereal, we should meet
Please let me Frost your Mini-Wheat.
When: Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday 12 noon
Where: Cook Commons
I saw: A Man
I am: A Woman
By Alex Hemmer
After China’s bid to host the 2000 summer Olympic Games failed miserably because of environmental and social issues, the country vowed to change its ways. The Chinese took the rejection as an insult to their personal and national honor, and in the next decade the People’s Republic invested in massive development projects that were supposed to transform the nation into an economic and social powerhouse that would be the envy of the world.
By Alex Townsend
Do you ever get a feeling of impending doom? Sort of like the theme music from Jaws is ominously and constantly playing in the background of your life? Well, you should, because once again the time for finals is close at hand.
It’s all coming back to you now, isn’t it? The late nights of studying, the stress, trying to cram in just one…more…fact, and all those horrid, essay-induced hand-cramps. Suddenly the notes you took all semester seem pathetic. Gah! Why did you spend so much time doodling?
1. Difficulty reaching climax without partner employing best pagan ritual voice and chanting the words “Heady, Dank, Blaze” in increasing speed and volume
2. Recurring outbreak of Mad Ill Snowboard Warts
3. Pain and brief imprisonment caused by fetish for catamounts and other members of the cougar family
4. Inability to distinguish between bongs, phalluses, and organic carrots
5. Preference for getting totally “blitzkrieged” prior to all sexual contact not conducive to long-term relationships or marriage
By Mac Smith
Whenever students have to battle through a Thursday of three classes, review sessions, and late nights at the library to prepare papers and exams, they curse the system and wonder what college would be like without all these classes to get in the way of the experience — especially when all of their friends are drunk on that particular Thursday night. I often pondered this abstract scenario as well. It seems to me like college without class would be similar to summer camp: all of your friends, no parents, and lots of alcohol.
Oh, to be naïve.
The Answer Is Not 42
Current fundraising totals in Election 2008:
Obama
140,500,000
Clinton
138,000,000
McCain
55,000,000
DNC
60,500,000
RNC
97,500,000
Grand Total (so far): $491,000,000
Four Hundred Ninety-One Million Dollars
So why is the economy tanking?
By Sally Wiebe
I began watching ABC’s Lost several years ago, when the series had just started. The promotions for a show about people stranded on a mysterious island intrigued me. There was so much hype around what promised to be an action-packed hour of television that I knew I had to tune in. Just as I suspected, after almost four seasons the show has proven to entertain — well, for the most part.
It’s very difficult to navigate the labyrinth that is the plot of this show — it’s just too damn intricate. Far too often it ends up at dead ends hooking me in with, as I have come to conclude, useless and unfastened clues. And honestly, J.J. Abrams, clues to what? Yet despite the unanswered questions I tune in weekly. In fact, I’ve become addicted, and it’s the weekly fix I just have to have.
By Sam Theodosopoulos
The drive was long and tedious, 89 seemed to stretch on forever. The family Subaru Forester was filled to the brim with suitcases and boxes of all my worldly possessions.
“Now, Sam,” my mother said, “this is the time when you make your lifelong friends. So associate accordingly, take notice of the company you keep.” I am sure this was in reference to my high school rap sheet: caught stealing from the liquor cabinet, ripping bowls in the house, beers left in the fridge, vodka bottles under my bed. You know, the normal high school shenanigans that parents tend to overreact about.
Thanks To: Anya Brodrick, Torrey Valou & Alexander Whitehead
For more than a year, the Tri-Factor has been using image/word mathematics to deconstruct the styles of today. Here are some of your all-time favorites.
See all the Tri-Factors, in their entirety -
www.thewatertowernews.com
By Bridget Treco
Foul-mouthed Brits are highly underrated in America.
Most people remember the edgy pop singer Lily Allen, but most don’t know enough about (or haven’t heard of)
Kate Nash. If you like acts like Feist, Cat Power, and Rilo Kiley you will most likely love piano-playing, singer-songwriter Nash. She hails from London, where her debut album Made of Bricks is #1 on the UK charts. Not bad, and the girl is only 20 (just a year older than many of us!)
By Lea McLellan
Hugs are everywhere. It’s kind of warm out today…why not celebrate with a hug! You see your friend at the Davis Center after a long ten hours apart? Hug time! See a kid from your math class whom you’ve never spoken to, but kind of recognize at a party? Hugs all around. Lab partner looking a little down? Hug it out.
The word is full of happy huggers. And my deep, dark secret is…I am not one of them. If I see a friend or acquaintance, my first instinct is not to hug them. I don’t know why I’m not a natural born hugger. I definitely received enough love as a child. Unless it’s a memory I’ve repressed, I haven’t had any horrible hug experiences that left me scarred for life. I grew up in Connecticut-so maybe it’s a side effect of my stoic, New England culture. It could be a birth defect.
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